- Chipchase
- Jul 6, 2022
Updated: Jul 7, 2022
Dear Aunty NewsBiscuit,
I am a prime minister of what was once a globally respected nation (although I hope you'll understand when I say I'd rather remain anonymous for now). We were perceived as the cradle of democracy and a shining beacon of truth and justice everywhere.
But the thing is, I'm now rather fed up with being seen as a compulsive liar, a risible moron and a bumbling buffoon by virtually everyone on the planet. Many are suggesting that under my tenure, the country's reputation has been absolutely trashed into the dirt. Indeed it is my understanding that even amoeba actually hold this somewhat low opinion of me too.
But, you know, it gets a chap down when he's trying his level best to do right by the country. It's as if I am not appreciated at all. So okay, chaps tell me stuff, but what with one thing and another, pressures of not being found out and so on, I go and forget what it was they told me. I mean I'm only human. Selective memory recall affects most from time to time, although I would concede fewer every single time.
But anyway, my question is this. Do you think it might help were I to smarten myself up a bit, get a new haircut, stop being a feckless oaf and perhaps begin to tell the truth once in a while?
Regards Horace Jobson
Ha Ha! (with such a clever alias you'll never know who I am)
Despite the Russian threat the people of Poland have remained strangely stoic; one historian observed: 'At the end of the day, this is what the Polish people do best. Patiently waiting for unprovoked warfare. It's a bit of nostalgia. It’s a bit of fun. It’s a bit of unwanted territorial dispute, followed by the threat of vodka fuelled sexual violence'.
Russia's Ria Novosti news agency denied any aggressive moves towards Poland but could not disguise the fact that Warsaw was appearing as 'Putingrad' on state maps. The Polish State said they would be minimizing bomb damage with Styrofoam houses, fire retardant hats for pets and all women have been asked to molest themselves '...to speed up the process'.
