Government to replace Driving Test by self certification system

The waiting list for tests has risen steadily since 2019 and now stands at over half a million applicants.

Rather than pointing out there are always spare tests available in the Orkneys, the government is proposing a more radical approach – self certification.

Under plan drivers would have to clock up a pre-determined number of hours on any approved driving game, such as Grand Theft Auto or Crazy Taxi 2, and to pass (or pay someone to pass for them) a theory test. After this, new drivers would self-certify that they are safe to drive and would display SCUD plates (self-certified untested driver).

This will allow new drivers on the road, so that they can drive to new jobs, joining rolling roadblock motorway protests and take up dogging.

An AA spokesman commented: 'One advantage of the new arrangements is that candidates will be able to drive themselves to take the official test, and also that really terrible drivers will probably die before they take the official test, reducing waiting times for others.'

It's understood different arrangements will apply in Northern Ireland, as you will know if you have ever driven there.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/romilsondequeiroz-444109/

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Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson

Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray.

Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes".

Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnson admits that he could clean it up and replace the kitty litter, but that's not the point. 'It's not my role to clean up cat poo, mop floors and open windows,' he told reporters.

Candidates to be the UK's next worst Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have agreed in principle to have a meeting about the situation but are both remaining tight-lipped about how to solve the issue before September's leadership vote.

A spokesperson for Sunak told us that £4 billion will be set aside to look into this issue and Liz Truss is claiming that it's probably some foreign cats who have been creeping in and crapping in the tray.

In the meantime, Larry has been using the flower beds in the gardens of Number 11.