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Family falls apart when the internet goes off for 10 minutes




A family from Shitterton (yes, it is a real place!) completely fell apart when their internet went down for 10 minutes.


Mum Sarah Smart said, “I realised the internet was down when I was in the bedroom trying to find something with Ryan Gosling in to watch on TV, but I couldn’t get Netflix to load. That’s when I heard the screaming start, as both my teenage children found out they couldn’t get on the internet. Then my husband started yelling downstairs.”


Sarah’s husband Dan said, “I was trying to watch Match of the Day on iPlayer when the internet went down. It was awful! My wife came downstairs and said the internet would probably come back on soon, and she suggested we could just sit and have a chat in the meantime. That was when we discovered we no longer have anything to say to each other, and should probably think about splitting up. At that point we tried to Google ‘divorce lawyers’ on the iPad, but we couldn’t, because the internet was down.”


14-year-old Olivia Smart said, “It was like literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to me! What would all my friends think if I didn’t upload a selfie of me sucking my cheeks in and pouting every 2 minutes? I like really needed to post a pic of myself pretending to watch TV with the hashtag ‘just chillin’, followed by another one of me deciding what crisps to eat with the hashtag ‘big decisions’. I yelled at Mum, and she said I could still post on Insta using the data on my phone. Like, duh! I’d already used up my phone data for the month uploading TikTok videos, cos the phone plan she put me on is like really crap, and it doesn’t have enough data allowance, which is like really bad for my mental health.”


15-year-old Byron Smart said, “Bruh, I couldn’t even play Fortnite or nuttin’! No internet, that’s like against my human rights or sumfink, man. It’s bare child abuse, innit? I was well fangry.”


The family crisis was resolved a few minutes later when Sarah turned the router off and on again, and the internet came back on. The Smarts are now living perfectly happily together, all glued to separate devices in different rooms, and hardly ever speaking to each other.



Heinz and Kraft merge to make some kind of 'pink sludge'‏


In becoming the world’s third-largest food company, Heinz/Kraft have set their goal on developing an unsightly but delicious blend of tomato and processed cheese. Kraft shares have soared by more than 35% with the announcement that their gooey hybrid will, by the end of the decade, be decorating the top of all toddler’s meals.


Investors say that the main inspiration has been watching a generation of fussy eaters stir and masticate their meals into an horrendous gloop. It also plans to mix their Maxwell House coffee with Heinz Baked Beans, to create a product that wakes you up with a fart.


In 2010, Kraft took over chocolate maker Cadbury and controversially replaced its milk chocolate content with the economical, more readily available, ‘mud option’. Earlier this month, the firm were also forced to recall 6.5 million boxes of macaroni and cheese after reports of finding metal fragments in some containers: had raised the nutritional value too high.


A spokesman said: ‘Cheese and tomato are natural bed fellows. Like Labour and the SNP or James Corden and tumbleweed. This new product is not too dissimilar to a Boris Johnson press conference. One is a gelatinous, pink mess trying to distract you from issues with your Greens. And the other is a condiment’.





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