Finally some action from No.10

England football team opts for Brexit‏

While businesses are gearing up for a potential European exit, for England's footballers the time to leave is usually by the end of the first round of any tournament. They have said they will remain neutral in the referendum - but picking Gary Cahill may be the clearest indication that the England team plans to be on holiday by July. Meanwhile, UKIP have said losing in the European Championship will give Britain a chance to focus on their 'snooker and darts'.

Andrew Tate blames Careers Advisor

The advisor explained, somewhat sheepishly: 'I was just plucking jobs out of thin air. Kickboxer, chess champion, sex trafficker, Romanian pizza delivery boy, Greta Thunberg burn victim. I was clearly having a laugh. I didn't expect him to actually... you know.'

'I sarcastically said that with his qualifications, it was either the tills at ASDA or become a reality TV star. And I told him that pyramid schemes and fetish sites were not proper jobs, unless he planned to be an MP, in which case he should embrace both with enthusiasm.'

'I said, 'Andrew, if you keep this up, you're going to become an arsehole'. And he asked 'How much does it pay?' so I said 'Maybe 10 years - or hopefully more.'

Image: Emiliano Bar (@emilianobar) | Unsplash Photo Community