King to have Nicholas Witchell's head removed from rectum

King Charles was today taken to hospital to have one-time journalist Nicholas Witchell's head removed from his rectum.

The Palace was keen to stress this was not an emergency, merely dealing with a problem the King's physicians have been aware of for some years.

A ginger growth in the royal passage was first detected in 1998, when Witchell gave up journalism to become the BBC's Royal Correspondent. Later scans showed a strip of red so long it was initially mistaken for a red carpet, but turned out to be Witchell's tongue.

Witchell's editors at the BBC say this casts his claim to have been privy to "backstairs gossip" in an entirely new light.

Physicians say the King should be much more comfortable after the operation, though he might find the BBC's coverage isn't so fawning and uncritical any more, to which he replied "Oh God, really? Any chance we could put it back?"

image from pixabay

Tories to abandon “geographical constituencies”

The Conservative government, just possibly with this year’s general election in mind, has announced the end of the “geographical constituencies” that have formed the basis of British elections for the last 350 years.

“There’s really no logic to lumping people together just because they live in the same place,” said the head of the constitutional working group, Mr G Mander. “It makes more sense to look at how people have voted in the past, and group them on that basis.”

Asked how this would work, Mander said that groups of people who vote Tory would be called things like “Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire and Berkshire - just as they are at the moment.

”And of course, there’d be Labour constituencies too. Well, a Labour constituency anyway. We’d call it something like ‘Ghastlyplebshire’, and it would be made up of benefit scroungers… sorry, Labour voters wherever they happen to live.

“And let’s be honest, we Tories wouldn’t have a hope in hell of winning it. No siree. Shame, but we’ll just have to make that sacrifice for the greater good.”

Asked whether this wasn’t just a way to maintain power by putting all the Labour votes in a single constituency, so Labour only ever has one MP, Mander replied “That’s an extremely serious allegation, and deserves to referred to the Electoral Commission. Just give us a couple of weeks to appoint someone we like to run it.”

image from pixabay

King's portrait is cheaper than a new dartboard

At the cost of £8m, public buildings can request a copy of the picture to cover up any embarrassing stains or cut out a draft. The most popular use has been as something to scare the kids with.

One publican said: 'Once we'd finished with it as a dartboard, we used the perforated remains as a sieve.' Those who like gardening can use the monarch to repair a fence panel, become a bird box or kindling.

Remarked one loyal subject: 'It's about respecting the institution - which is why I have fifty eight Queen Elizabeths boarding my loft.'

image from pixabay