Keir drafts his ‘100 day achievements’ list

Keir is expecting to reach his one hundredth day as Prime Minister very soon, so he’s working on his list of achievements.   This will enable his press office to feed an easy story to lazy journalists. The draft list looks like this:

DO MENTION

Great Olympics and great Paralympics – all those gold medals really show what we can do as a nation – and not a penny of taxpayers’ money spent. Thank god for the national lottery (and sponsorship from Aldi).

Sorting out the mess of Tory strikes – I’ve taken difficult decisions and driven a hard bargain with the rail unions. I’ve given the NHS a shot in the arm by settling pay disputes there. (Note to self: ignore any questions about where the money is coming from. Use the ‘broadest shoulders’ line. Don’t mention 14.5% or 22.4% pay increases, as those numbers sound big.)

Sorting out the mess of Tory riots – I’ve been tough on civil disorder and banged up lots of right-wing voters. (Note: blame early prisoner releases on the Tories)

I’m sorting out the Tories economic legacy.   Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all opening new stores – proper shops, selling useful stuff (must check to see if these stores are owned by foreigners).   And I’ve agreed to bung Tata Steel half a billion to appease the steel unions. Difficult decisions!  (Don’t mention the increase in first class post.  £1.65 FFS.  Remember to ask a donor to buy stamps for Christmas cards before prices go up.   2,000 stamps should do it? Avoid talking about the budget – that is going to be a real downer.  Good idea to delay the budget until after the first 100 days. 

MENTION IF ASKED

I have sorted out the Tory mess of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.  I strongly support Israel’s right to defend itself on even dates.  On odd dates, I wring my hands about civilian casualties. (Don’t mention weapons sales to Israel)

Larry the Cat is an outdated hangover from the previous administration, and I’ve taken the difficult decision to bring in a young, energetic and more left-wing cat.

I’ve taken the difficult decision to take away the winter fuel payment from rich, right-wing voters who don’t need it. To everyone who voted for change, this is a change.  Buy thicker vests, for goodness sake. Remember that I have kept my promise on the triple lock.   So far.

DON’T MENTION

Free clothes. Frocks for Victoria costing £5,000. Not on my credit card! (People will say I'm in the pockets of the unions, when I'm actually in the Y fronts of the unions.)

Jeremy Corbyn or Diane Abbott – there’s always something else with them.  Why does she think she's a non-person?

Ukraine using British tanks to invade Russia. Jesus.

Finally finding the time to sort out my Pokémon card collection.

Picture credit: Wix AI

What do your kitchen appliances think about you?

A recent survey of kitchen appliances across the UK has revealed that many are dissatisfied with their working environment.

We visited the kitchen of Liam Moore, a 35-year-old social media manager from Basildon. Liam’s washing machine told us, 'The laundry he puts inside me is disgusting! His underwear always has skiddies on BOTH sides, thanks to his habit of turning them inside out to get two days' wear out of them. His socks smell revolting, and I try not to wonder why sometimes one of them is so stiff and crusty! And it’s not my fault all his t-shirts end up baggy and faded after only one wash – it’s because he never buys any decent clothes, it’s all cheap tat from Primark.'

Liam’s fridge complained, 'I do my best to keep his food fresh, but he leaves stuff on my shelves for months past its use-by date. And there’s never anything healthy. I don’t think I’ve seen a single fruit or vegetable in all the years I’ve been here. The only green thing inside me is mould. I’ve got a salad crisping drawer, but he uses that to keep beer in.'

Liam’s oven was also unhappy. 'I don’t know why he insisted on buying the same cooker he saw in Jamie Oliver’s kitchen on the telly, when he only ever uses me to cook frozen pizza. I feel so unfulfilled! And it’s the same for the microwave, he only uses that to heat up last night’s leftover takeaway curry for his breakfast.'

We also approached Liam’s bathroom appliances for comment, but his shower merely spluttered, 'I’ve seen some awful things!' before bursting into tears, and his toilet was too traumatised to even speak.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Looking smart (but being dumb)