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Gardeners on alert as MI5 say attacks planned on UK soil


Following warnings from the head of MI5 that foreign agents are planning attacks on UK soil, allotment holders are on green alert and are said to be ramping up security precautions.



Proud Yorkshire grower, Geoff Thirkettle, said he was taking no prisoners if anybody messed with his brassicas. “I hear them Russians are partial to a bit of cabbage. Tell you this for n’owt. If I catch ‘em anywhere near my patch I’ll set ferrets on ‘em.”



The horticultural watchdog, OffSod, has said checks are being maintained on soil quality across the country, although Joyce Snelling, a keen gardener on the Norfolk coast, explained the earth she tried to cultivate was so poor she’d welcome a spot of radiation to perk it up. “Might even enhance my green fingers” she joked.



A member of the Blue Peter production team has come forward to say they thought part of their garden had been interfered with. “It could be someone was trying to dig up George The Tortoise and found it was a bit slow going. More likely it was Henry burying a bone.”



Tony Inwards has a small holding in Kent. He said he had nothing to offer as regards the possible attacks and was only here for comic double entendre purposes.



However, not everybody is taking the warnings of the security services seriously. As one gardener put it, “If we think terrorists are sneaking around this country sabotaging flower beds and vegetable gardens then we have truly lost the plot.”


“Don’t judge me by first 100 hours” says captain of Titanic


It was revealed today that Edward J Smith, captain of the Titanic, gave a press conference an hour or so after striking the iceberg.



”OK, I concede the first 100 hours of the voyage have been choppy,” said the bearded mariner, as the water lapped around his ankles. “But hey, that’s the business we’re in. A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for, am I right?



”It about taking the tough decisions, even when they aren’t popular. And from what I’ve since heard from the crew and passengers, driving the ship into an iceberg definitely wasn’t popular.



”But believe me, these little setbacks you’re all obsessed with now will be completely forgotten once we arrive triumphantly in New York, where cheering crowds and brass bands await us.”



The rest of his speech was lost as the waters closed above his head, though some witnesses claim he said “At least I didn’t lead a left wing party into power and then kick pensioners in the teeth.”


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