Trumphog Day

Today is the day when an annoying little orange animal with wispy hair decides the future of the nation

Punxsutawney Don emerges to pronounce on the state of, well, anything he fancies, really - despite being secluded for months in his gold-plated den with only his computer for company. His decisions are random, but somehow accepted by his “phaithphil phollowers” as prophetic. But, in fact, his declarations have been analysed, and found to have zero similarity to what actually happens

These proclamations are traditionally made every year, but recently are far more frequent - usually preceded by public interest elsewhere, such as Epstein Island.

This unique creature is not known for its intelligence, and is happy to trespass well beyond its territory, trying to pick fights with its friends and neighbours. It has a diet consisting mostly of circular lumps of meat, and drinks only a dark-coloured concoction of chemicals. This particular individual is physically unusual, and despite his size, Don has unusually small hands and genitals.

In the next few days, Don will be returned to his natural environment, at a place called, appropriately, Gobbler’s Knob.

Editor's note: Trumphog Day traditionally falls on February 3rd each year, the day after Groundhog Day.

Image credit: perchance.org

King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty

Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is.

The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff.

But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom.

A leaked excerpt from the speech reads:

'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, that my governments, over the past few years, have fallen short of the standard expected by the British people. You deserve better. The highest positions of power in the country have been occupied by fools, corrupt chancers, narcissists and foreign agents. And those were the sane ones.'

Keir Starmer is reported to be asking for political asylum in China.

And Donald Trump has posted that he wants to Make England Great Again, or 'MEGA'. But not, he emphasised, by regaining its colonies in America. Maybe by invading Ireland, where they mostly speak English, so it would just be like Russia's special military operation in Ukraine.

Image credit: perchance.org

No proof Thatcher had a Tramp Stamp say Tory HQ

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