- Lockjaw
- 20 hours ago
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Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out.
'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike.
'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that. Just my little joke. I expect those curtains are a goner.
'The Royals always favoured fabric wall covering - that's going to be an expensive mistake. Worst of all is that we've found black mould in seven of the bedrooms. You'd expect that on a council estate, but not here. I can't imagine Prince Philip putting up with black mould.
'The worst room was an antechamber, which was used as a TV room. We've cleared out a lot of pizza boxes - I can't tell you which brand, obviously. The grease has penetrated the wing backed sofa, and you wouldn't believe where we found pepperoni and sausage. Someone didn't like it, I reckon, and started throwing it around. Or maybe someone misunderstood the rules of hide the sausage.
'Between you and me, some of this stuff will have to be burnt. I don't think Charles will be happy, but at least he can put the ashes on the veg patch.
'This is going to cost millions to clean up. I don't reckon that Andrew will deal with the bill. By which I mean the invoice, of course, not the rozzers.'
Image credit: perchance.org
Tensions remain high in the Solent region today following the detection of a balloon flying over the island.
An Isle of Wight Department of Home Defence spokesperson briefed reporters.
“Yesterday our Advanced Early Warning System – Cowes Neighbourhood Watch – reported an object subsequently identified as a balloon illegally entering our airspace. It was tracked as it travelled inland, passing over a number of sensitive garden centres and charity shops sowing panic and confusion amongst the (mostly elderly) customers.
We debated whether to shoot it down but there was concern that this might cause collateral damage when it landed. Unfortunately also none of our weapons could reach the great height at which the balloon was flying – estimated to be well in excess of 100 feet.
The issue was eventually resolved when the string underneath the balloon got tangled in the branches of a conker tree just outside Shanklin. After a lengthy health and safety risk analysis, leading fireman Barney McGrew of the Island Fire & Rescue Service volunteered to climb the tree and retrieve it.
The balloon is now under investigation in our forensic laboratory. It has a picture of an evil-looking character with a name of Ronald McDonald. We suspect this has something to do with the power struggle underway on the mainland within the People’s Republic of Hampshire. We have already made a formal complaint about this provocative action to their ambassador.”
A People’s Republic of Hampshire spokesperson responded.
“The peace-loving People’s Republic utterly denies this outrageous slur. The research balloon was accidently released by a young party member outside one of our healthy and nutritious proletariat street canteens. We shall utterly crush the capitalist lackeys, hyenas and running dogs of the illegal breakaway Isle of Wight in due course. We plan to mobilise our invincible armed forces to invade – once we have bought the ferry tickets and the railway strikes are settled."
image from pixabay
First published 6 Feb 2023
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