1,000 days until we can thump Wes Streeting

The Defence Secretary made it clear that the UK should prepare for conflict and most people think starting with him is as good a place as any. Said one citizen as he rolled up his sleeves, 'I've no interest in fighting a Russian who I've never met, but there'll be a sizeable queue to wipe that smarmy expression off Streeting's spoon-faced bonce.'

The trouble is we now have 1,000 days of anticipation and so much good reason to knock his block off. One colleague advised, 'Try to memorize the periodic table backwards, forwards, and in alphabetical order by sound. Once you've mastered that, try reciting it while doing the Macarena. Even if that doesn't kill time, you'll be thoroughly confused by the end of it.'

Streeting is not the first Minister to volunteer for a beating, ex-PM Keir Starmer famously punched himself in the face with every policy announcement. Moscow is yet to comment on the new strategy, but it is understood Putin is willing to surrender the Ukraine just to stop Streeting's nasal whine. Readers can purchase a bespoke 1,000 calendar, which instead of ending with Xmas, ends with Boxing Day.

Image: WixAI

Horoscopes for November, by Cat Pillar

Aries

Your future contains nothing. Nothing at all. My predictions are based on examining chicken entrails and they are very clear about the nothing. How was I to know that none of the chickens in Tesco have giblets?

Taurus

You know you can walk with scissors no problem. Try a light jog and work up to running with them. Show the world what you are capable of. Rules are for losers.

Gemini

Halloween may be over, but the horror story is just beginning for you. Someone has spiked your pumpkin coffee. You will be out of your gourd for some time. 

Cancer

As Astra transits through Galaxy, and Mercury passes Polestar on its way towards Infiniti, motor vehicles may be causing you problems.  You may still be puzzling out how to put the hour back on the clock in your car, for example. Or your Tesla may be overheating. Bad news, that's not a battery fault - activists have set fire to your car.

Leo

This month you are 'crazy like a fox'. Correction! You will be bitten by a rabid fox.

Virgo

You will contract athlete's foot this month. This is foretold by the I Ching. Sorry, can't read my own handwriting. This is foretold by the itching.

Libra

They say Hope springs eternal but, unfortunately, this makes no impression on the Fates. Still, it's better than being a miserable sod; and those around you appreciate that. Keep on truckin’!

Scorpio

It is certain. It is decidedly so. Without a doubt. Yes, definitely. You may rely on it. As I see it, yes. Most likely. Outlook good. Yes. Signs point to yes.

Reply hazy, try again. Ask again later. Better not tell you now. Cannot predict now. Concentrate and ask again.

Don't count on it. My reply is no. My sources say no. Outlook not so good. Very doubtful.

- Our predictor is also a very good pool player.

Sagittarius

Remember, remember... Just try to remember anything for a change

Capricorn

Some people have all the luck. In your case, this month you will have zero luck. Look on the bright side: at least it's not bad luck!

Aquarius

A dream will come true this month, it's that one about walking down your old school corridor in your undies. Good luck explaining that!

Pisces

This month you will look up an old friend. That's gotta be an embarassing exam for both of you!.

Authors:

daveha: Sagittarius, Taurus

Deskpilot: Aries, Cancer, Virgo

lockjaw: Aquarius, Capricorn, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Pisces

SteveB: Scorpio

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