Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various governments, parents, teachers, social workers, etc around the world, no one has managed to reduce gun crime, let alone stop it.

Then Jeff Bezos had a fantastic idea. Buy the James Bond franchise and airbrush all the guns out of the posters.

‘I’m completely shocked.’ explains Nancy Dempton of London’s East End. ‘I never would’ve thought. We had quite a lot of gun crime around here – not as much as there used to be but still, there’s enough. The police have been having amnesties and all sorts but nothing has worked. Jeff Bezos should absolutely get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.’

Not everyone is happy though. Donald Trump made use of a press conference about the situation between Russia and Ukraine to share his thoughts: ‘Guns are great. Aren’t guns great? Guns are great. Guns don’t shoot people – guns shoot bullets. Beautiful guns shooting beautiful bullets. James Bond – or 007 as I like to call him – we’re friends, you know that? Yeah we’re friends – we’re old friends. Go way back – I taught him everything he knows. I also invented his car that goes under water. You see that car? The car that goes under water? I invented that. So yeah, 007 - He calls me number one - 007 should have more guns! Bigger guns! The guy wears a belt – he could fit atleast a half dozen holsters on there, and he has pockets – he wears jackets. Lots of jackets. Lots of jackets means lots of pockets. One gun in each pocket – maybe two if they’re big pockets. I dunno – are they big pockets? I dunno. Or small guns. Are they small guns? I dunno that either – nobody knows. Nobody knows. He’s very secretive about the size of his guns – always has been. I always liked that about him. He also has two beautiful strong shoulders. Two manly, strong, beautiful shoulders. He could easily have a rifle over each shoulder. That’s how you end gun crime. More guns than the other guy. Bigger and better guns than the other guy.’

And as if ridding the world of gun crime wasn’t enough, word is going round that Bezos isn’t done yet. According to his spokesman Marvin Tubbard, Bezos is now going to rid the world of womanising by also removing all the women from the Bond posters.

An international petition has already gained 200,000,000 signatures for Bezos to edit other classic film posters, to make the world an even safer, more harmonious place.

https://pixabay.com/photos/aston-martin-db5-james-bond-2736376/

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Cancer cure 'A Waste of Time' say Dragons Den gurus

The BBC has asked entrepreneurs to 'stop wasting everybody's time' with unprofitable ideas after a medical researcher completely flatlined on the show.

"It's a cure for all cancers", explained scientist Wilbur Jones. "It's new, non toxic and offers hope to millions".

Initially the Dragons in the Den were impressed. However, the Dragons soon found the flaw in his business model when he explained that medical techniques are not patentable.

"How the f**k can you make money then?" asked one irate Dragon. They were also unimpressed with the doctor's dress sense - he chose to pitch his idea in 'smart casual' clothes, which is a clear no-no - the Dragons refuse to do business with anybody not wearing a suit, for reasons which have never been adequately explained.

“He really did a poor pitch”, explained a BBC insider. “First, he was nervous. The Dragons don’t like nerves. They expect everybody else to be as cocksure as themselves, which must make for a lot of disappointment in life. Then he didn’t have a clue about making money. There really isn’t any point in curing cancer if it doesn’t make money. We’ve had loads of no-hopers pitching ways to save the planet, cut greenhouse emissions, blah blah bloody blah – they all get the boot. Finally, he seemed reluctant to give them his house, his rather attractive daughter and the right to claim themselves as the inventor. If he’d spent more time watching telly instead of inventing smells in his laboratory, he’d know that this is the minimum commitment required".

Dr Jones left the studio in tears. He later explained to gozzy-eyed presenter Evan Davis that this was something of a last resort. “Normally, you apply to the Medical Research Council for funding, but they’re really nasty too. Last time I went they accused me of being smelly, and somebody flicked snotballs at me throughout my lecture. I thought the Dragons Den might be less intimidating. I can’t afford a TV so I didn’t really know what to expect”.

The concept behind Dragons Den is simple. The BBC invites inexperienced entrepreneurs from council estates to make a sales pitch, and then 5 top business gurus intimidate the shit out of them as a prelude to ‘negotiating’ astonishing levels of equity, in front of TV cameras. A recent Google search for ‘post traumatic stress disorder’ found more than 6,000 references to Dragons Den.

The latest BBC pitch for Dragon's Den says it all : "Got a brilliant business idea? Scared of public speaking? Don’t mind giving it away for tuppence and a go in a swivel chair? Contact Dragons Den - you've nothing to lose but your patent. Oh, and the business you've spent the last three years building."

Image: moneycortex - Pixabay

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Britain now under Shakira Law

Due to a misunderstanding of a misspeak of a typo, the whole of the United Kingdom is now under Shakira Law. Some Brits are unclear what that entails because much of the news media is now content to let the lie spread half way around England before the truth has had a chance to get its bellybutton trinket in.

Shakira Law is misunderstood because it sounds very foreign and should therefore be feared by the easily manipulated. It is fiendishly complex and vaguely strict, but parts of it are easier to remember because some of it rhymes. But it is not to be confused with LeAnn Rimes Law which is so different, to some it is almost the same.

Lawyers are struggling to adapt to the changes, but don't give a farage because of billable hours. Clients have been warned to keep a close eye on their legal representation as they could be easily fobbed off with Christina Aguilera Convention, or Rihanna Regulations.

The first rule of Shakira Law is that you do not talk about Shakira Law.

The second rule of Shakira Law is that you DO NOT talk about Shakira Law, but you are allowed to sing about it.

The most important rule is that breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains.

The final rule of Shakira Law is that no one is allowed to tell the truth, but my hips don't lie. Actually, that's a lie. You can lie, but you're only allowed to lie when you're in a duet with Beautiful Liar, Beyoncé. Or Jennifer Lopez.

Shakira Law applies whenever, wherever.

Image: Alejoturola - Pixabay

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