Man who fails to knock out pub hardnut says “Now is the time for diplomacy”

A man who crept up behind the hardest bloke in his local pub and hit him with a barstool but failed to knock him out has said he feels “Now is the time for diplomacy”. 

Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was apparently stung by his girlfriend’s mockery when the local hardnut, Dave Concrete, accidentally jogged his arm as he walked past, causing him to spill his drink.

'It’s not like he meant to do it,' Sawdust protested, which in no way made his girlfriend think him less of a pussy.

Realising he would have to do something to prove his bravery, he decided he would hit Concrete from behind with a barstool, run out of the pub before he came round and never drink there again.

However, genetics had gifted Concrete with an abnormally thick skull and muscular neck, and he seemed barely to notice as the barstool shattered against him. Nor was he persuaded by Sawdust’s subsequent appeal that, whatever had happened up to now, they should put the past behind them, sit down and talk like adults in order to avoid further violence.

“In the face of such provocation, it would be unreasonable to expect me not to retaliate,” is probably what Concrete meant by pushing Sawdust face-first through the pub’s jukebox.

Photo by Victor Clime on Unsplash

No budget for assisted dying, says Government

After voting for Assisted Dying last week, the government has told voters that there is no budget to pay for it.

Protestors have been out on the streets complaining about, yet another, "one rule for the rich and one rule for the poor" policy from the Starmer government. 

One protestor, Dave Simmons, from Tipton told Newsbiscuit, "Once again this government has passed legislation which only the very rich in society can take advantage of. My gran is on a life support and would love to die, but the government won't let her. At this rate she could live forever and we'll never get her house.

Opposition MPs are furious. Tory Shadow Minister for Health, Wealth and Happiness, Uriah Heap, told our reporter, 'This bill is an absolute disgrace. We, the Conservatives, are supposed to be the haters of the poor, not Labour. They're supposed to be the nice ones.'

Labour MP, Tony Capp, said, 'Relatives of the poor will just have to stick to the traditional methods of a toaster in the bathroom or marbles on the stairs. Anyway, I don't know why people are complaining, the removal of the Winter Fuel Allowance will finish a lot of them off.'

Trump aims for Nobel Peace Prize by causing Armageddon

White House officials were quick to confirm that President Trump's decision to involve US Forces in bombing Iranian Nuclear Sites was all part of his plan to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

'The Romans said, "if you want peace, prepare for war,'" said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt in a rare moment of lucidity yesterday. 'The President is well-prepared for conflict and the potential death of many across the world is a sacrifice he's willing to make. Once the dust settles and there's an inability to have any future military engagements because we've been returned to prehistoric times, the Nobel committee will have no option but to give him the Peace Prize. That's the difference between the former short term thinking of Presidents like Barack Obama and Joe Biden, and strategists like Donald Trump.'

The US Department of Defense confirmed it is planning for retaliation from Iran and the possibility of Nuclear Armageddon, and already planning for any post-apocalyptic gaps by stockpiling iodine pills, potable water, and big planks with nails in them.

With all modern communication methods likely to be destroyed in World War III, it's unclear how news will reach Washington DC from The Nobel Committee in Stockholm. However, it is also rumoured the US Government is asking all winners of a place in the Boston Marathon Ballot to report to West Point Military Academy immediately.

photo: Photo by Luke Jernejcic on Unsplash