UK border delays as visitors complete essays

Heathrow Airport yesterday declared a major incident at the UK Border following the Home Office confirming that migrants would require A-Level standards of English.

At hastily installed booths for a pilot study, visitors were being given two hours to answer questions on Othello to receive a stamp in their passport and be granted entry to the country. Despite being their native tongue, one holidaymaker from the United States was struggling with the text and questions.

'How does Shakespeare use irony?' They exclaimed while leafing through the text, 'The same way we all do? He just plugs it in and gets the creases out his pants? Did they wear pants in the olden times? Oh I haven't read this since High School. Is it Othello or Iago who's black?'

After the first day, over 97% of those arriving had been returned to their point of departure after failing to meet the expected standard. 'Clearly we're very disappointed," a spokesperson for The Home Office said, 'especially as the worst performing group in this whole exercise were British Citizens returning home. Many failed to identify the symbolic importance of the settings, others couldn't explain the dramatic function of jealousy, and when the flight from Alicante arrived, a worrying number of them tried to eat the book.'

Photo by Kit (formerly ConvertKit) on Unsplash

Donald Trump – the new Emperor King

Many countries have figured out that Donald Trump loves to be flattered, and that it puts him in a good mood.  Less likely to impose tariffs, slag you off, invade, or send JD Vance to visit.  That sort of thing.

And many countries are also keen to avoid devaluing their honours systems by polluting them with The Donald.  So they are making up honours to award to the US President.  They know he doesn’t care about this, as long as there is an Instagrammable awards ceremony with some dignitaries, flags, military bands, movie stars and a procession. Ideally, all of the above.

So, France has bestowed on Donald Trump a shiny medal confirming that he is now a Champignon D'Honeur, one of the country’s highest, and tastiest, awards.  Belgium has presented him with the newly minted, but still highly coveted, Tintin award for bravery in the face of adverse media. 

Britain is to make the US President a LOBE (Legend of the British Empire). And in the world of fiction - which is one of Donald’s favourite places - he is to be awarded the Wisest of Wise Wizards award, which will be presented by Professor Dumbassdore of Hogwash University. 

This is all very childish, but if you take it all very seriously, then Trump will too.  It’s also a very cheap way to earn kudos with the President.  All for the cost of a shiny medal, a big silver trophy or a sparkly certificate.

Everyone’s doing it.  Even the uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands are getting in on the act.  Despite the imposition of huge tariffs earlier this year, the penguins say that they understand that the tariffs are largely symbolic and have no impact in the real world.  Accordingly, they have voted to make Donald Trump their King Penguin of 2025.  Long live the King!

hat-tip Titus

Starmer to join Reform

A spokesman for the Prime Minister has provided a press release confirming that the PM will be joining Reform 'sometime soon, probably before the next election.'  He said Starmer had paid Nigel Farage for membership already, apparently they were next to each other waiting to vote on something and Farage accepted £23 'for cash'.  The PM, apparently had been waiting for an opportunity to do it, but never seemed to catch the Reform leader in the House of Commons that often and despite travelling a lot, couldn't match Farage's travel plans.

'He doesn't agree with Reform's policies, such as they are,' the spokesman said, 'but he liked the idea of not having to turn up for work much, getting away with bare-faced lying and is yet to be approached by Russia for an off-the-books contract just for saying words that aren't hurty to Putin,' he added.  Apparently his work ethic might be an issue, he's only ever held one job at a time, let alone 12 or 13, and has an unfortunate habit of not copying whatever Trump, for example, says.  'I'm sure it's just a training issue,' said the spokesman, agreeing that Farage is unlikely to be arsed providing it.

Urgent Update:  The spokesman for the Prime Minister has apologised for issuing a press release produced using AI.  'Apparently the AI language models aren't fully up to speed yet and the one an aide used has been trained largely on satirical websites,' he said.  So that's alright then, as you were and don't believe press releases.  Especially if they use NewsBiscuit to train on.  Tsk.