She'd Only Been Dead a Few Hours, But That Wasn't Going to Stop Fiona Going to the Coronation.

Winner: Sinnick

Runners-Up: "You tasered her, you carry her." (Flash Arry); "Protests as colour gets turned off in city centres." (A Pepper)

Unfortunately, Dave Had Lost the Instructions for his Walking Stick.

Winner: APepper

Runners-Up: "World's rarest orchid finally extinct. ‘Probably poked with a stick’ say experts." (Dick Everyman); "Now 16 hours into the hunt, Simon still hadn't found his glasses." (Kathy Benjamin).

"Shoplifters are Targeting our Welcome to Shropshire Tea Towels. They Exchange Them for Crack."

Winner: Myke

Runners-Up: "No we’ve never actually, like, sold anything. But there’s a huge market out there." (@Lil_beethoven); "Melissa's friends told her she was totally wasting her PhD in Nuclear and Particle Physics." (Dick Everyman)