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New look Match of the Day sees Shearer go on about Newcastle

The re-launch of BBC’s flagship football show featured, just for a change, Alan Shearer rambling on and on and on about Newcastle.


Despite being the last game on due to it being a drab 0-0, Alan Shearer presented a lengthy analysis of Newcastle’s apparently majestic performance despite their centre-forward crisis. Their equally unimpressive opponents Aston Villa barely warranted a mention.


On the other hand, Sunderland’s comprehensive win was entirely down to West Ham being, technically speaking, no good.


There was hope amongst football fans everywhere that, following Gary Lineker’s enforced resignation, the programme would be less dull. Those hopes were not exactly raised when it was announced that the so-called Rooney Rule would be applied.


In American Football, the Rooney Rule means equal opportunities for ethnic minorities. In the case of Match of the Day however, it means equal opportunities for thick scousers who have terrible records as lower league managers. But Alan Shearer somehow succeeded in making Wayne Rooney sound insightful and interesting.


If the first programme of the new season is indicative of the standard to be expected every week, we can all look forward to the same old Match of the Day that we are so familiar with.




500 arrests after protest in support of Manchester City Fan Action, report police

Five hundred people have been arrested in London after police said they were responding to a protest in support of the banned group Manchester City Fan Action. Pictures from the Westminster demonstration showed a group holding placards reading "I oppose offside, I support Manchester City Fan Action".


As of Saturday, the group is proscribed under the Terrorism Act 2000, after lawyers acting on its behalf failed with a court bid to block the ban. The designation means being a member of, or showing support for Manchester City Fan Action, is a criminal offence and could lead to up to 14 years in prison.


The government moved to ban Manchester City Fan Action after an estimated £7k of damage was caused to seats at an away match last month. Lex Morrells KC, barrister for Manchester City Fan Action's co-founder Arfur Brain, told the High Court court banning the group would be "ill-considered" and an "authoritarian abuse" of power.


Defending the organisation's proscription, the home secretary stressed it was "not a non-violent organisation". She said tens of thousands protested lawfully about the "horrendous playing" in football matches without involving Manchester City Fan Action. She said that some supporters of Manchester City "don't know the full nature" of the group.




BBC probe into Strictly drug use reveals it wasn’t just glitter in the dressing rooms

The Metropolitan Police are investigating allegations of drug use on Strictly Come Dancing, in an attempt to discover how contestants manage to be so energetic on a Saturday evening after 14 costume changes and a paso doble.


An inquiry into alleged drug use on the show titled ‘Operation Glitterball’ was launched by the BBC earlier this month, after a producer found a suspicious white substance in a powder compact, and realised it wasn’t the Dior Illuminating Setting Dust they’d ordered from Amazon.


A BBC spokesman said, “We take these allegations seriously. The BBC maintains the highest standards of professionalism, even on shows where people routinely wear rhinestone-covered underwear on national television. Although to be honest, it’s difficult to distinguish ‘normal Strictly behaviour’ from ‘chemically enhanced Strictly behaviour’. If someone’s breakdancing on a revolving platform dressed as a lobster, it’s hard to tell if that’s drugs or just the Halloween special.”


This marks the latest in a conga-line of controversies for Strictly, which has recently been plagued by: two professional dancers departing after ‘allegations of misconduct’, which fans interpreted as ‘someone finally snapped during a rumba’; opera singer Wynne Evans making a sexualised remark during the live tour, as if all those annoying Go Compare ads weren’t bad enough; and the ongoing ‘Strictly Curse’, which remains unbeaten as the most reliable home-wrecker since Henry VIII.


One former contestant, speaking anonymously, said: “People think the Strictly Curse is about forbidden romance. Honestly, it’s about surviving 12-hour rehearsals on nothing but Red Bull, sequins, and increasingly poor life choices.”


Meanwhile, bookmakers are already taking bets on what scandal will hit the show next, with odds-on favourites including: a professional dancer defecting to Dancing on Ice ‘for a quieter life’, and a live wardrobe malfunction being declared a national emergency.


When asked if the show could survive yet another controversy, one BBC producer said, “Are you kidding? Strictly is a British institution. If anything, people will tune in hoping someone does a Viennese Waltz straight into rehab.”


Meanwhile, BBC executives were last seen Googling ‘can fake tan be classified as a Class A substance if inhaled aggressively?’ and ‘does glitter test positive on a drug swab?’




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