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Suella Braverman to join the Great British Break Off


From our correspondent in the snug of the Dirty Duck.


'There is general uproar here, as I text this report. It's Dodgy Dave's birthday, and he's been buying rounds since the pub opened. From what I can hear off the telly, in a surprise move Suella Braverman has been signed up to join Great British Break Off. The 'reality' show where people come to try out half-baked ideas in the Reform tent. 


'Recent entrants have been Robert Jenrick with his Blackout Cake. He was unable to remember anything he said or did before 15th January. A week ealier it was Nadim Zahawi with his Chocolate Fudge Cake. Very rich but who's counting the pounds? Last year included Nadine Dorries with her Nutty Meringue Cake - well beaten till fluffy and with a hard shell


'In other news, Nigella Lawson has joined the Reform Party.


(You're fired. Ed.)


Image: Lockjaw



Hollywood to adopt American accent for baddies


For decades, a German accent was the hallmark of a Hollywood villain. More recently posh British has been the go-to elocution for criminal masterminds, with incompetently delivered ‘Middle Eastern’ accents for terrorists.


Now there’s a new accent in town. Dumb-as-shit American, slightly muffled through a mask.


‘In many ways they’re a throwback to Westerns’, a film expert told us. That’s a job, apparently. ‘The dark clothing, face partially concealed – what’s missing is a good guy in a white stetson’.


Indeed.


While Hollywood grapples with storylines where good and evil have the same accent, the real world is dealing with a bigger concern: are we about to see Schindler’s List 2?



Cheating increases during Wacky Races


Cheating has soared rise by 100 percent on the famous driving competition as competitors turn to giant boulders and ACME bombs to gain an advantage.


According to freedom of information data from Hanna-Barbera Productions, many cases involve Dick Dastardly and Muttley.  Sometimes he disguises himself as the Abominable Snowman or a gorilla, uses giant elastic bands, illusionary rivers or anvils.  


Professor Pat Pending, of The Flintstone University, warned of the dangers of these actions, "It means that there will be more accidents, collisions, damage to the cars,  damage to human beings and, in some cases, bears" .


Industry leaders blamed the increase on Dastardly and Muttley's desperation to win, while the DVSA blamed the apparent general rise in cheating on improved detection due to the fact that "every attempt to cheat was witnessed by thousands of children all over the country" (Source BARB).


Dastardly's usual race strategy revolves around using his car's great speed to get ahead of the other racers, and then setting a trap to stop them. If he just concentrated on driving he would win every race.




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