Banknote animal contest 'to the death', screams a bloodthirsty Attenborough

Sir David Attenborough has confided in colleagues that as he begins his 2nd century, his usual leisure pursuits of dolphin drowning, chimpanzee knife fights and adding to his collection of panda-fur pimp coats, no longer hold the same appeal they once did.

One cameraman said, 'Poor old Dave. Even hippopotamus porn, setting fire to rare grasslands and high stakes wagers involving poisonous frogs are now losing their lustre. But when he heard about a contest for putting British animals on bank notes, his eyes lit up with a blood lust I've not seen since Blue Planet II: This Time It's Personal.'

A statement from Attenborough's office said 'Who doesn't want to see a badger fight a kestrel, only for a fox going through some bins to get the nod for the £20 note? Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitches! Queensberry Rules.'

Ed Davey announces stand-up show at Palladium

Ed Davey has announced a 100-night residency at the London Palladium to showcase his comedy talents, it has been announced.

The news comes on the back of Davey's barnstorming PMQ's performance this week, where he delivered a zinger of a gag about how in an era of cuts in defence spending, Tony Blair's long form essay criticising the Labour Party was an example of 'drone warfare''.

'It was like listening to Dudley Moore or Bill Hicks in their prime', said one MP. 'Once the laughter and tears subsided, it was no surprise to see Ed's agent from Avalon come into the chamber with a deal for Ed.'

Davey's show 'Ed's you win, Tales you lose', is being billed as a mix between old school variety stand up, Jimmy Carr-style confrontational cultural commentary, and Stewart Lee-esque deconstruction.

'I'm not saying my mother in law is fat', quipped Davey. 'She's really not but her ongoing use of Ozempic does raise important questions about the long-term funding of weight-loss drugs on the NHS'.

'There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman' continued Davey. 'Under a devolved government structure, it is vital that our honourable Welsh friends, as well as Metropolitan mayors are represented in all formal consultative machinery of the state'.

'This is the natural next step for us as a party' said a Lib Dem spokesperson. 'After all, our 'Liberal Democrats Winning Here' placards and signs at local elections have been causing hilarity for months'.

Image: Tumisu - Pixabay

BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'

In a major change in voting regulations in next year's BAFTA Film Awards, the academy are merging Best Actor in a Leading Role and Best Actress in a Leading Role into one award honouring Mortal Kombat II.

A BAFTA spokesperson said: 'I am sick of the debate about separating performers based on gender identity. If I have to read any more op-eds about JK Rowling or Ricky Gervais' backward attempts at relevancy, I am going to smelt the Adapted Screenplay statue onto my own face so I can't read them.'

When asked if it was possible to quantify the quality of Ethan Hawke's chameleonic turn in Blue Moon against Renate Reinsve's searing portrayal of familial neglect in Sentimental Value, the spokesperson replied:

'The only time I've been able to dodge discourse this year is seeing Karl Urban fight with a laser-powered Australian. And it was f***ing fantastic.'

Image: WixAI