War Office denies Crimea plans jeopardised by secrets leak

A spokesperson briefing on behalf of Lord Cardigan said today that the discovery of top secret plans at a Hansom Cab rank would not affect the forthcoming military operations in Crimea. The documents, titled ‘Operation Valley of Death’ apparently described a cunning plan on how to neutralise Russian defences.

Reconnaissance has allegedly determined that there would be cannon to the left and and cannon to the right. The obvious solution was therefore to despatch a crack elite squadron (which reliable sources have identified as the Light Brigade) straight down the middle.

Asked about the possible impact on trooper morale as a result of this leak, the spokesperson added ‘Theirs not to reason why’

Kensington statue wins 'not looking like Diana' contest

A newly installed and finally unveiled statue at Kensington Palace has won the Not Looking Like Diana award against strong competition which included a house brick and a pile of sand.

The sculptor expressed his delight at recognition of his achievement. He explained that the head of the statue was achieved by doing an electronic morph-merge of the heads of all of the members of Duran Duran, that the torso was based on that of Aretha Franklin as seen in the movie Blues Brothers, and the legs were based on those of Angela Rippon.

Government credibility found in Bus Shelter

A member of the public has found the government’s remaining small shred of credibility in a bus shelter in Kent.

‘I almost didn’t see it, but somehow it caught my eye,’ Joyce Robinson said. ‘It was a small, unpleasant looking thing on the seat, so my first instinct was to brush it off. Something made me take a closer look though.’

After taking it home and looking at it under a microscope, Mrs Robinson realised what she had found.

A government spokesperson confirmed that the credibility had been reported as missing shortly after the government was formed.

‘I am just glad it was found,’ they said. ‘I mean it could easily have been missed as it is so small, y’know after it has suffered so much – the post-Brexit Northern Ireland situation, the way contracts have been awarded, the ignoring of Priti Patel’s bullying, not shutting the border to India early enough.’

‘The the Cummings/Barnard Castle fiasco, the ‘totally f-ing useless’ text, Boris boasting of having shaken hands with Covid patients and then going into intensive care with the virus, the way care homes have been treated in the pandemic, not taking any steps to ease the broader social care problems, Jennifer Arcuri – and now, the final straw, Hancock being caught snogging his mistress.’

‘

Anyway, I’m just glad we’ve got it back. It is now perfectly safe here on my desk. Wait a minute, where’s it gone? It’s completely disappeared! Oh god, what has one of the clowns done now?’