Comedy news from NewsBiscuit.
Host: Wrenfoe
Featuring Guests: Kit Caboodle, Midfield Diamond, Flash Arry & Paul L.
July 2021
Available on Spotify and other platforms as of Tuesday.
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit.
Host: Wrenfoe
Featuring Guests: Kit Caboodle, Midfield Diamond, Flash Arry & Paul L.
July 2021
Available on Spotify and other platforms as of Tuesday.
Updated: Sep 16, 2022
Today is the day.
Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.
Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.
Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.
This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.
Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.
To this I say: never again!
So today, let freedom ring.
Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.
Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.
Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.
Let freedom ring.
From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-
Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!
I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.
And that dream came true today.
Updated: Jun 22, 2022
Experienced bosom owner Sally Jones achieved the once in a lifetime triumph this week of buying a bra online which fitted her actual form, the actual shape she is now, rather than a shape she has been in the past, or may be in future, or might belong to a hypothetical woman that is not her.
Her day began as usual, with her putting on her old faithful pink T-shirt bra which has gone a bit tatty and which she finds the straps slip down on a bit more often than they used to. In the back of her mind she was aware she’d ordered some up top smalls from M&S but she never hoped for one moment that this would be a successful transaction. She was fully expecting to be in the Post Office queue returning the tit pants on Saturday morning.
When the package arrived she ignored it for an hour, knowing that never in all her years of having lady bumps to dress and a computer have the two aligned usefully. Bras bought online are always too tight, too loose or too lumpy, leading to a sort of slightly rude Goldilocks type scenario but without disgruntled bears.
Eventually Sally Jones thought she may as well either cram her coconuts into something too small or let her sin cushions dangle as unsupported as a female MP who wants decent maternity leave. Sally carefully opened the package, ready for re-sealing it when her new bra had failed her, and was pleased by the lovely pistachio colour which had looked a bit different on the internet because they do, don’t they?
She took off old faithful and noticed that the old guard and the new recruit seemed on the face of it to be of similar dimensions. She could still breathe after doing up new bra and when she looked in the mirror was astounded to see that her jubblies were well contained, with no pinching, overhang or spare space. “It’s a titty bonanza!” exclaimed Sally.