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Severe criticism of social services as Romulus and Remus placed in foster care of she-wolf.


Defence Secretary resigns after he admits god of war was named after chocolate bar.


'Momentous historic event' predicted as Caesar spotted calling office of Rubicon Ferry Services.


Remembrance Day for Punic Wars; hundreds of Hannibal's elephants show up.


'That stab vest makes you look fat,' Brutus tells Caesar, as he plots Ides of March hit.


Emperor Tiberius moves to quiet retirement community on Capri that offers 'underage boys and relaxing atmosphere of decadence and depravity.'


Claudius appoints horse to Senate, makes outgoing senator run in Grand National.


Rome burns; Nero fiddles fire insurance claim, and uses the proceeds to open a coffee shop.


Goths invade Roman Empire to seize valuable deposits of black hair dye and blue lipstick.


Picture credit: Wix AI


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January 2024...


That TV program about the Post Office catapulted the story into the news, almost wiping out speculation about the date of the general election. Sunak tried to raise his profile, and lower Boris’s. Starmer continued to lie low and not say anything to frighten the voters. Water companies continued to muddy the waters over, err, muddy water. Small boats continued to bring people across the channel. You might notice that there are no stories about the various wars that were going on - always a difficult topic for jokes.


Here’s a personal selection of the top stories from January 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see our pick of the month’s best headlines.


Migration

General Election


Media and TV


Politics


Post Office


Water Companies


Religion



And a selection of the best headlines from January 2024


Some of these are topical and some are just silly. And many of the headlines, for some reason, seem to be about the Royal Family. So, no New Year honours for us, then...


Silver Spoon responsible for King's enlarged prostate  

Dog with two dicks, "quite happy" says vet 

Tories to employ Luke Littler to show them how to actually hit targets

All BBC programmes to include a tightrope-walker, for balance

Dodgy batch of underlay swept under the carpet

Drunk Olympics to include hurling for the first time

Man who found plane parts in his garden thought it was a delivery for next door

Man who wanted tablet for Xmas unhappy to get an aspirin   

Man says the 2 birds in the bush were better than the one in his hand

Wales’ biggest employer says Tata

Guitar school found to be institutionally bassist

Epstein fingered Andrew

Darts fans shocked at teenage boy has well honed wrist action

Florida adopts execution by Helium to "lighten the atmosphere"

Post Office scandal: Met Police investigate now that it's been on telly

Hasbro say five year wait for Operation is down to 14 years of Tory government

Northern rhinos saved from extinction by feeding them pies, chips and gravy

Pub football team hit with massive pints deduction       

Blunt pencil collection just pointless

Man who fell into an infinity pool says it took him forever to get out

Vwl thf stll t lrg



Image credit: Wix AI

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Wooden horse romps home through gates of Troy at 6/4 favourite, beating cardboard horse (7/2) and pantomime horse (11/3).


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Sisyphus quits job after 45 years, gets retirement present of Rolling Stones album.


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Emergency recall of all wax-based wings after Icarus mishap.


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Widespread allegations of drug use at first Olympiad as men's 100m won by man who is half bull.


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Odysseus's Aegean Adventure Cruises shuts down after users post negative reviews citing Sirens, Cyclopes and cannibals.


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Greek Parliament passes Dangerous Gods Act after Zeus goes on yet another thunderbolt rampage.


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Oedipus's wedding night marred by nagging sense of déjà vu.


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Socrates to feature in ad campaign for new hemlock smoothie.



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Fresh from his daring voyage, celebrity adventurer Jason Argonaut launches new Golden Fleece luxury outdoor clothing line.


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Icarus Mechanical Flying Machines Limited addresses its poor safety reputation by changing its name to Boeing


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Greek army censured after many soldiers caught inside horses


Hat-tips to Sirlupus and deskpilot


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