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That Trump acceptance speech in full



'Friends, criminals, countrymen.  You gave me your votes as I knew you would.  Thank you.  I will make sure that Elon pays out.  It was easy to vote for me.  I bet you never thought about doing anything else.  I'm so happy for you.  It's going to be so good.  I'll be telling you how good on social media every day.


'Crooked Hilary, Obama Bin Laden, Joe Blow and Kamala Toe never had a shot (like I did. I'm a big shot). The election was about brawn not brain, which was in my favour.  My new friend Elon says I really have the X factor and that's the truth.  I like him because he puts his money where my mouth is.


God made me win. He saved me from the bullets so that I could win bigly.  I will pardon myself because I know you want me to, and because I know I've done nothing wrong.  I will also pardon Stormy Daniels, on certain conditions. She knows what they are. But I will take righteous and mighty vengeance on the unbelievers. You know who you are.


My actions on the stolen election in 2020 have delivered a much better election in 2024, and I didn't even have to hang Chad.


I will be generous to my friends in the red states. I am proud of you boys. I love QAnon. I love Martians.  But not Puerto Ricans. You know who you are.  I will smite the garbage blue states until they repent, and can be healed.


I promise to be against immigrants, but for cheap labour.  I will relax gun laws and denounce school shootings and assassinations. I will finish the wall, because it's the wall of the people. I will put America first after myself.  America comes first because abroad is almost literally a foreign country.  I will increase tariffs on imports and reduce taxes on hotels, casinos, and golf.   I'll tell gas stations and supermarkets to cut prices, because climate change is made up and because you all voted for cheap stuff.


Thank you for buying my merch. The MAGA caps will stop CCTV from watching you. The gold trainers will allow you to walk on water. My books are all brilliant, and I plan to read them someday.


God bless X, God bless America, God bless me.



1500 years of fake news from NB archives



5th century. Romans leave Britain after getting letter from Anglo-Saxons saying "It's our turn now".



878 AD. Celebrity British Bake Off a disaster as King Alfred burns cakes.



1066. Sale of alcohol banned on Normandy ferries after major outbreak of violence at Hastings.



1483. Future Richard III spotted tidying up guest room in Tower for "nephews staying over".



1536. First recorded acid attack. Henry VIII dissolves marriage, wife.



1688. William of Orange gets so stoned during weekend in Amsterdam he thinks he's king of England and sets off to claim throne.



1714. George I crowned. Britain resumes ancient tradition of picking monarchs who show up in a boat and can't speak English.



1820. Duke of Wellington runs amok with assault flintlock in House of Lords, killing 12. Blames PTSD, "Waterloo flashbacks".



1918. Needing time "to digest all that war poetry", Britain takes 21-year break from fighting Germany.





Horoscopes for November 2024 by U Wat Nau



Aries


Confusion over baklava and balaclava may lead to breathlessness, an irritating rash and possible animal cruelty charges. Avoid Tall Carole from Accounts, the North Circular and fish containing vowels. Limit your cusping to built-up areas on weekday afternoons between 4 and 6.


Taurus


You will learn that what you thought was an affectionate nickname for you from your colleagues, turns out to mean 'shit-for-brains' in their language.


Gemini


Congratulations, Gemini. You share your star sign with Donald Trump, Peter Sutcliffe, Boris Johnson, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Like them, you are downright forthright, not bright and alt-right. People who get in your way should Watch Out! This month Mars is descending (half price at Asda), so it’s time to stock up. Your friends are always keen to be with you, but maybe it’s just for the chocolate bars.


Cancer


I see the bad moon a-risin'. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightnin'. I see bad times today. Don't go around tonight. Well it's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. So don't make long-term plans, ok ?


Leo


A stunning win on the lottery, orgasmic sex with a hottie, and a loss of 18 lbs despite a month of supreme culinary delights and exquisite feasting.


Virgo


The number '7' will become prominent in the next few days, possibly in combination with king prawns.


Libra


You will go on a long journey with no apparent end in sight, but that's Northern Rail for you.


Scorpio


The firmanent is in tumult. It's laughing its proverbial tits off over what happens to you this month. Don't worry. It all works out well for you ... eventually.


Sagittarius


The stars predict that you are entering a period of great upheaval and distress. Did the name "Filthy Al's Dirty Kebabs" not hint at the risk you were taking last night?


Capricorn


Whilst out metal detectoring you will unearth a hoard of coins and bones in an amphora. A later translation of the inscription on it will read 'death to they who disturb my rest'. Ah well; you win some, you lose some.


Aquarius


Your stone for this month is gravel. Don't ask me why. Best not to.


Pisces


The voice from beyond the grave says "No message this time as I'll be seeing you soon”




Contributions from



FlashArry: Aries, Virgo, Sagittarius


deskpilot: Gemini


Sinnick: Cancer, Pisces


SteveB: Leo


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