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Nasa giant new Moon rocket looks awfully like a d$ck




The space agency denied they were overcompensating but acknowledged they had accepted a sponsorship deal with Viagra. The new rocket is twice as large as the space shuttle, but only half as long as Errol Flynn.


To a packed conference, NASA said: ‘Yes, it’s got length. But it’s also got girth. Stop giggling at the back! It’s got 15% more thrust. Stop it! And it is filled with spacemen, not seamen as some bright spark scribbled on my notes.


‘Frankly, this penis obsession is puerile nonsense. The kind of immature speculation you would expect from those with school-boy humour. We are very proud of Starship Dildo.’



Image from Pixabay by RJA 1988


First published 21 Aug 2022



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5 Olympic sports in which you could definitely medal in 2028


The Olympics are over but with just 1460 days until the next one, which sports do you think you could definitely have a chance of winning gold in in Los Angeles 2028? It can’t be that hard, right?



Decathlon - an event where you don’t actually have to be the world’s best in any of them, but just have an adequate level of competence in them all 10 - this sort mediocrity is exactly the kind of sport you could buy into. Also, you played Daley Thompson’s decathlon on the ZX Spectrum for weeks on end as a spotty teenager in the 80s, so you already have the expert knowledge that you have to do the long jump at an optimum angle of 42%. Job done.



BMX Freestyle - riding a tiny little bike, showing off doing daft tricks, and falling off a lot? It’s your summer of 1986 as a 13 year old with your best mate Danny Dexborough all over again, minus the cans of Top Deck shandy and the discovery of half a porn mag in the bushes near his house. The podium awaits.



Kayak cross - all that time spent going down the rapids in the sub-tropical swimming paradise on your annual visit to Center Parcs Sherwood Forest didn’t go to waste, as here’s the Olympic equivalent - Kayak Cross. No skill required, just get in your boat, line up in 4s and let the water take you down. Unlike the Center Parcs rapids, this has the advantage of you not having to worry about your left testicle being visible out of the side of your trunks to everyone on the viewing platform as you awkwardly descend the slide.



Shooting - you’ve played Call of Duty loads, and you seem to remember having a go at Clay Pigeon shooting at Fletch’s stag do - or was it paintball? Whatever. If it means you can practice in one of those ranges where you shoot at a paper target with a gunman in it and then it wheels back to you and you check whether you hit them in the chest or the head like in the TV detective shows then bring it on.



Anything in the velodrome - all of the events look like a piece of piss. The one where they creep around the track at 2mph? You’d just bomb off really quick - easy win. The one where there’s about 30 bikes on the track at once - it’s like the sponsored bike ride you did at school. Just pretend you’ve got a puncture and then rejoin with a couple of laps to go. And the one with the motorbike rider on the front - you were basically doing that when you worked for Uber Eats last year. Do they pay the living wage and do you get tips? Where do you sign up?



First published 20 Aug 2024



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The Conservative Comptroller of Avarice speaks out



"People are calling us 'the Nasty Party' : we're not nasty, we are just disorganised"


We are in conversation with the recently appointed Comptroller of Avarice, Charles Harding, MP for 'somewhere dreadful beginning with an H, or is it a P ?'. Mr. Harding's role, unique to this government, holds the brief of bringing some sense of direction to the current Government's plethora of inhumane policies and diabolical schemes.


"The issue here is that we have too many directives running simultaneously that are interfering with each other, and even cancelling each other out. In our rush to get 'snouts in the trough' - an apt analogy ! - we are queering someone else's pitch and reducing the likelihood of the best return possible, whilst running the risk of upsetting the whole shebang : as Tories, we should be skimming off the cream - and potentially drinking most of the milk - not attempting to slit the poor cow's throat. It's all so very counterproductive and confusing"


"Take 'Stop The Boats'. Turning them back at sea ? Where is the profit in that ? A charge on lifeboats ? Apparently not. Yet-to-be built detention centres, marked-up hotel accommodation, expensively chartered flights and the return of prison hulks ? All schemes competing for the same pot, none reaching their full potential, all at odds with each other. Whilst admiring the enterprise we have to admit that a degree of coordination is required on what has become a rather messy free-for-all"


"Having realised the enormity of this issue, I took the idea to the Rishter, and he agreed that some sort of overseeing authority was needed. Staring me straight in the tie-pin, he then asked if I was man enough for the job - and here I am"


Brushing a non-existent fleck from the immaculate lapel of suit, the Comptroller continues.


"Of course, there is one huge flaw in this role : no self-respecting Tory MP worth his - or her - expense account is ever going to have any truck with a regulatory body, let alone seek their advice, so my workload is not what you would call heavy"


At this point the Comptroller rocks back in his chair, places both hands behind his head and sighs happily.


"So here I sit in my sumptuous office doing nothing, drawing an obscene salary and ogling Marta's impressive décolletage between visits to the House restaurants where I dine on the finest, most heavily subsidised European cuisine in the country"


A wide reptilian grin starts to spread across the Comptroller's face, but a sudden thought replaces it with a frown.


"Until, of course, some interfering, jumped up Mainwaring-esque Little Englander berk knocks it all too cock and demands that the catering staff are deported and be replaced with some ghastly proper English food cafeteria affair"


The Comptroller grimaces, then sighs again, this time laden with exasperation.


"See what I am up against ?"




First published 19 Aug 2023



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