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The record collection of legendary broadcaster John Peel is to be sold today by auction house Bonhams. However, buyers have been put off bidding for many of the rare items on finding that nearly all of it is amateurish crap.


Early bidders, most of whom had never listened to his radio show, were ecstatic at winning rare grooves from across 40 years of broadcasting, though joy soon turned to horror after hearing the songs, which included examples of dirge-like indie, ear-splitting experimental electronica, apoplectic fit-inducing rave, and country.


A representative of Bonhams said: "Over 40 years, John Peel was an incredible curator across such a wide spectrum of music - there was hardly anything he wouldn't play. He had an incredible knack for finding bands you've never heard of before and never hear of again. We'll never forget how he turned people on to new and challenging kinds of tunelessness, proving that just because something isn't mainstream, it doesn't mean it's any good."

On his BBC shows, Peel was famous for breaking the careers of band such as The Undertones, The Fall and Joy Division, as well as discovering several new genres of pop music, usually by accidentally playing the records at the wrong speed.


It was said that while his listening figures were low by Radio 1 standards, for those who did tune in it 'lowered the bar', inspiring many to go out and start their own bands, despite having no discernible musical talent, safe in the knowledge that at least one DJ would play it. However, Oasis still went on to sell many thousands of records across the 1990's.



First published 20 May 2022



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Under a new scheme, the Chancellor will invest the nation’s wealth on the Nevada craps tables. UK bill payers will be guaranteed a regular income from slot machines, provided the Chancellor remembers to wear his lucky pants.


The Treasury confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so what could be more appropriate than a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia. Those struggling to pay the rent will experience the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack and the chance to see David Copperfield fly.


'Pensioners won’t have to worry about the winter fuel allowance, as they’ll be too busy trying to master Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s.’



First published 19 May 2022



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A 21-year-old soccer player has revealed that he is highly academic, becoming the only openly brainy male professional footballer in Britain. Millwall forward Daniel Jakes said that he has received ‘top backing from the lads … err … I mean universal support from my peers’ after telling them about his intellect.


Jakes is the first professional player in British men's football to come out publicly as clever since Graeme Le Saux who was once thought to be quite bright on account of admitting to reading the sports pages of the Guardian. In an interview, Jakes said he felt ready to ‘express myself eloquently’ after ‘such a long time of pretending to be thick’.


The striker said he originally felt the need to hide his academic ability in order to become a professional footballer. ‘I knew from a very early age that I was different to the other lads,’ he explained. ‘But I worked hard on constraining my vocabulary to words of one or two syllables so as not to stand out.’


After signing professional forms and subsequently breaking through into the first team, Jakes thought that he would wait until he was retired to come out. ‘But the stress of pretending not to be interested in quantum cosmology became over-bearing and I therefore decided to admit to the world that I am not as dim as I make out.’


The world of professional football has become a more inclusive and welcoming space over recent years, especially with regard to such aspects as race and nationality. And yet there remains a subculture that persists which means male footballers are expected to be stupid, especially in ‘Over the moon, the boys done good’ post-match interviews.


Perhaps that will change as a result of Daniel Jakes’ admission that he is academically gifted, and he has been encouraged by all the messages of support from players, staff and supporters from all around the world. ‘I am overwhelmed at the expressions of acceptance of me as an openly intelligent footballer,’ said Daniel. ‘Even Millwall supporters, not exactly known for their tolerance, have said that I have their undying love, but not in a gay way.’


The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has also expressed his admiration for Jakes’ courage after sensing an opportunity to pretend to have the slightest interest in football.



First published 18 May 2022


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