Who’s in charge now? The current US order of presidential succession

This handy guide will help you to work out Who's in charge now? It explains the current order of presidential order of succession, if something were to happen:

• Vice President – Easily manipulated Tech Bro Yes man

• Speaker of the House - Easily manipulated religious weirdo

• President Pro Tempore of the Senate – A 92-year-old man*

• Secretary of State – Sycophantic loser who can’t look in the mirror

• Secretary of the Treasury - Sycophantic loser who loves looking in the mirror

• Secretary of Defense (War) – Cheating, alcoholic content provider

• Attorney General - Trump’s personal liar and eye candy – thrown out when Trump goes

• Secretary of the Interior – Billionaire climate-change denier

• Secretary of Agriculture – Incompetent empathy void

• Secretary of Commerce – A simple toady idiot

This list goes on to include anti-vax sociopaths and dog murderers, all of them sex trafficker apologists. If you need to know exactly how this list continues, then something is seriously wrong....

* He was around at the same time as Paul von Hindenburg, the second president of the German Weimar

Republic

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Australian kids forced to use Skippy the Bush Kangaroo to communicate

Australia's ban on social media means that kids will need to use a unique clicking system to communicate. Phones will be rendered useless, and the only friend they'll need will be the Head Ranger of Waratah National Park. 

The platform, called Bouncy-Bouncy, means kids have to carry a fully grown marsupial in their pockets. Two kangaroos can connect together, but it must be distances of less than 10-yards to hear the 'tchkk tchk tchk.'

The Australian government insisted that the kangaroo system will protect kids from harmful content – unless of course Sonny is trapped down a well. Kids will be heard saying, 'What's that Skippy? Billy's updated his dating status?'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Debt collectors now calling randomly

Debt collectors, whose work has been publicised by television, admit targeting non-debtors.

A debt collector working for one debt recovery company told us, 'We don't bother trying to get the address right. It's always wrong on the paperwork anyway. So we just pick any old address in the area and turn up on spec.

'Usually people open the front door and I put me foot in, and they can't close it. Then I ask them if they've had any emails or messages asking for payments. That makes them think a bit. They aren't surprised to see us, because most people have had some scam emails, messages or letters demanding payment of debts for all sorts of fake things.

'Thing is, everyone's in debt these days aren't they?

'In the rare case where we do end up taking stuff from people who aren't in debt, they can always take us to court to get the money back. They will need a court order. Then they will need to go to a debt collection agency. It sometimes comes to me as a job, isn't that a laugh? Obviously I don't do our own place, I just get the address a bit wrong and do some plebs who probably have debts too. The client gets their money, so what's the problem?

'But, taking us to court will take ages and be very expensive, so they're better off just forgetting about it. Best just get more stuff on Amazon on the never-never, and carry on. Happy days!'

Image credit: stable diffusion