Heatwave Leads to Shortage of 1976 Nostalgia

With the UK officially in its fourth heatwave of the year and temperatures again expected to be above 30°C, the Ministry for Sentimentality has issued its first ever 'Lucozade-cellophane-orange alert" to prepare people for potential shortages of reminisce about the long summer of 1976.

'This year has been unprecedented for sure,' said department spokesperson Penny Chews. 'The high temperatures and dry spells have combined to remind people who were children at the time of the happiness they felt lying in the grass with an artificially coloured and flavoured ice-pop; all while being blissfully unaware of the stand-pipes, buckling railway tracks and excess deaths. Forums are awash with survivorship bias, dangerously eating into our reserves stored in Memory Lane like someone who's discovered an entire case of Texan Bars.'

To preserve the dwindling resource, the department recommends only posting online after consulting Wikipedia to remove the Mandela-effect, and people focusing memories on lesser-used areas in the summer such as Boil-in-the-bag dinners and Saturday Morning Picture shows.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the 14-year-old.

In the article, Templeton-Dorset began with a long history of beetroot and feta followed by quotes from manufacturers, fans and a spokeswoman from the BFG (Beetroot and Feta Groupies), an organisation recently proscribed by home secretary Yvette Cooper.

'The whole f***ing point of a Guardian comment piece is to make it all about you, no matter how tedious,' wrote Sally Nibbles on Facebook. 'Absolutely outrageous. I did a spellcheck on the article and no ‘I’ came up.

'I was looking forward to reading about someone’s personal struggle with a jam jar that wouldn’t open, or why their pepper mill didn’t work, or why Courchevel is better than St Moritz this year, but…'

A spokesman for The Guardian offered sincere apologies for offence caused. 'We understand it caused a lot of distress. It was a one-off that backfired. We tried re-educate the writer as to the normal and expected Guardian style when it comes to root vegetables and Greek cheese, but he was having none of it.'

Photo by AbsolutVision on Unsplash

Unwanted pets to be fed to carnivores in zoos

Next, unwanted children.

However, neither are likely to be substantial enough to satisfy hungry predators. Even under-nourished rough sleepers might not be very nutritious.

But the problem of grossly overcrowded prisons suggests another possibility. Big, burly prisoners might earn a return on the cost of feeding them, and the particularly violent ones might even be able to bring in some money, providing entertainment for spectators at feeding time.

Image: Dušan veverkolog (@veverkolog) | Unsplash Photo Community