Government bans jigsaws

Journalists have noticed a new measure that didn’t make it into Rachel Reeve’s Spring Statement speech today.  In the small print of the accompanying documents, that only the accountants and tax lawyers read, there is a dramatic new initiative to ban jigsaws.

Jigsaws – basically cut up pictures that you have to reassemble – will be banned for everyone between 16 and state pension age, which currently 66 - at least for a few more weeks. The government describes the new ban as a bold move to address economic inactivity. In other words, too many people of working age are spending too much time trying to complete 5,000 piece jigsaws of baked beans, or kittens, or thatched cottages.

‘The economic impact is huge,’ said a spokesman.  ‘The time wasted on doing jigsaws is the equivalent to 2.355% of GDP.’  Everyone listening mentally added ‘FACT’ to the end of that sentence.  ‘Banning the sale of new and used jigsaws to people of working age is estimated to increase the numbers in employment by 2.344%, which would be welcome news to Mondeo Man, the Just-About-Managing group and hard-working Britons.

‘Exemptions will be allowed for children’s jigsaws that do not exceed 100 pieces, and for tourist jigsaws.  A tourist jigsaw must have a picture of an important British figure (yes to Churchill, Starmer, Thatcher, Robert Peel, Isaac Newton, no to Noel Gallagher, Jimmy Saville, Mr Blobby, Fred West, Yaxley-Lennon), or a British Landmark (yes to Stonehenge, the Cenotaph, Heathrow, Felixstowe Docks, the M25, no to the Bibby Stockholm, the encampment at Greenham Common, the felled Sycamore Gap tree, turds on the beach).  In addition, a tourist jigsaw must be made from recycled cardboard, have a union flag on the box, and be priced at £49.95 or more.

Charity shops estimate that not being able to sell jigsaws will cost them around 2.322% of turnover, and have asked the government for extra money to fill the gap.

The spokesman concluded by saying that ‘this government will take the tough decisions necessary to get the economy back on its feet and to boost growth.  It’s a long process.  We’re fighting Britain’s corner, and we’re taking it one piece at a time.’

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

Man ponders next move after getting ‘Regards’ email signoff

A man has been left confused and unsure of what to do next after receiving an email from a work colleague using the sign-off ‘Regards’.

Pete McBride, 47, assistant sales manager in a car leasing company received the cryptic response after innocuously asking a co-worker if they’d managed to put together the spreadsheet with the sales forecasts for the next 3 months.

‘I asked Rich the question with my usual email request sandwich’ explained an agitated McBride. ‘You know the one,: ‘I hope you are keeping well…have you got the sales spreadsheet….Look forward to hearing from you soon. Yours, Pete’.

‘I flicked it across to Rich, waited a few hours, and then got back from lunch and found this grenade in my inbox: ‘Hi Pete, haven’t done this yet. Will get round to it when I can. Regards, Rich’.

‘Have to admit, it’s totally floored me’, continued McBride. No ‘best wishes’, ‘kind regards’, or even the slightly annoying but obviously affectionate ‘KR’. ‘I mean, is he going to do the sodding spreadsheet or not? His passive-aggressive ‘Regards’, clearly delivered with that condescending raise of the eyebrows and that arrogant little sneer he has suggests not. Wanker’.

McBride is now considering his next move , weighing up the relative benefits and costs of a capitalised ‘THIS IS NOW URGENT!!!’ Subject line along with the universally hated ‘Best’ signoff, versus a short ‘thanks Rich, copying Helen and the top team in for information’, along with a CC to Helen, the regional sales manager and 10 other senior executives.

‘I’m just not prepared to put up with this crap’, continued McBride. ‘I don’t want to, but if I have to, I’ll send it again with the atomic bomb signoff ‘Please Advise’. I’ve got nothing to lose’.

First 'brat', now 'fly tip' summer forecasted for 2026

After the success of Brat summer, a trend to bring a new pop culture trend to every summer has begun - this sees 'Fly-tip summer' set to become the next big thing. Expect black bags, abused supermarket trollies and tyres (just to name a few items), to be dumped at your nearest quiet spot.

This cultural change is going into the next stages of a Brat summer, projecting a, this country is f*****, approach to life. And rejecting the curated, civilised organised lifestyle where members of the public look too dispose of their own rubbish through the correct methods.

The vibe is, if I make it someone else's problem, then, great!

The trend is deeply tied to lazy b*******!

It went viral to tip on farmers' land, lay byes and secluded country lanes up and down the country.

With thousands of the public deciding to kick off the fly-tip summer a bit earlier this year, we’re sure numbers will grow the more temperature rises.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive