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A well known fast food chain – famous for their salty fries and sugary milk-shakes – has terminated its world menu promotion early.


A spokesman said, ‘Sales from our world menu promotion have, in truth, been disappointing. Our customers have expressed a strong preference for traditional British menu items like hamburgers, pizza slices and iced do-nuts with sprinkles. So, our world menu promotion is ending today.


‘Initial sales were promising, as some devil-may-care customers will try anything. But we did not see sufficient repeat purchases of our Chernobyl Nuggets or our Five Leg Chernobyl Chicken Bonus Boxes. Market research suggests that some people thought that the five legs might have come from the same chicken, which is understandable.


‘Customers also misunderstood our Ethiopia Burger promotion. All of the revenue from this project is donated to food aid charities and the burger is served with no bun, no burger, no dressings and no gherkin. Our researchers say that customers were attracted by the absence of gherkin, but found that they were still hungry, even after ordering six or seven of them.


‘Other products that didn’t sell well included the Gazan Gravel Wrap, Nicaraguan Coke, and the Jamaican Storm Flurry.


‘We will be returning to our traditional menu for the foreseeable future. Customers can continue to enjoy their familiar high fat, high sugar, high caffeine, high calorie treats.


‘We are confident that our next promotion, featuring heart healthy food and Operation game cards, will be more successful.’





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Residents of the nation’s most haunted homes have come together to demand their ghosts stop being such dicks.


“We’ve had enough”, said Gary De La Lane of Richmond in Yorkshire, “It’s got to stop. We get it - they’re restless souls who are trying to find a way through to their final destination. But for fuck’s sake, stop switching the kettle on!” Mr De La Lane and his wife, Rosie, own a haunted Coaching Inn. “I get that the poor guy must have died a horrible death and is in a terrible place but is that any reason to keep switching on the landing light or turning the shower on when we’re out? It’s just a pain in the arse”.


Other haunted home owners complained of their ghosts knocking glasses and cups to the floor, throwing books across the room, rattling windows, switching lights on and off and generally being dicks.


“What’s the point?”, said Anne Bowler of Cumbria, “OK, you died a horrible death and you’re annoyed but do something constructive and help out around the place. Stop opening the freezer and flooding the kitchen! That just makes us think you’re a twat who was probably murdered for one practical joke too many”.


Ms Bowler went on, “one more cooked lasagne on the floor after I left it to cool and I’m ringing the fucking ghostbusters!”



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"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace.


"And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out.


"From time to time, mavericks crop up in this venerable, vapid family - such as the Duke of Windsor, Princess Margaret, Diana, Meghan and Harry - who occasionally make for entertaining copy in the newspapers.


"However, the system always finds some way of driving these deviants into the wilderness - or the grave - so that the monarchy can resume its historic role of being Britain's leading set of bland, inoffensive sloths.


"God save the Sloth King, and God help Mr Andrew!"


image from pixabay

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