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January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy


Aries


Phew! You really put a lot of effort in to enjoying Christmas. Expect your family to stage an intervention over your 'erratic' behaviour in the coming months. It's not all about you, you pig.


Taurus


You are a thoughtful, inquisitive and spiritual person. You are brave, courageous and action oriented. Not only that, but you are also forward-looking, forward-thinking and interested in what the future holds for you. You should trust your intuition and loosen your purse strings to do more of what you want to do. This will be a sound investment in your future.


A longer version of this horoscope is available on our premium service number 09799 696969. Call now. You’re worth it.


Gemini


Romance is in the air, but tread carefully - the blonde from number 11 already thinks you are a bit odd, so don't push your luck. Remember - a Restraining Order is no substitute for true love.


Cancer


You will be described as resembling a Greek god this month. Unfortunately, they will be referring to Hephaestus who possessed physical traits that diverge sharply from the traditional depictions of divine beauty. He had an ugly face, scraggly beard, massive hands, and a limp. Still, he was a craftsman and had inner strength. We can't all be Brad Pitt. And, from what I hear, he probably smelled better than Brad Pitt.


Leo


The most exciting moment for you this month will be when you are involved in 'an unexpected item in the bagging area' incident. That's what you get when you buy items from the middle aisle in LIDL, you crazy MOFO!


Virgo


The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got on the duvet.


Libra


Start 2026 in a no nonsense frame of mind. Don't waste your money signing up for gym classes, spend it on cakes instead.


Scorpio


You find out you have inherited a small fortune from an estranged uncle, but you have to spend it in 30 days to inherit the bulk of his esta ... No, hang on, that's "Brewster's Millions", I must be picking up interference from the Classic Film Channel, there are some crazy atmospherics today. Still, it is slightly more plausible than the tosh I sometimes come up with. Perhaps I need to invest in a new copy of Halliwell.


Sagittarius


You are going to have a bobby dazzler of a year ... in 2027. As for 2026: meh.


Capricorn


No matter where you do and what you do, Dorking will always have happened. Make your peace. Seek acceptance or double down, I don't care which.


Aquarius


The Celestials have taken umbrage at you for some reason, and your reading is shrouded in mist. Whatever is going to happen, it will not be good, so expect smitings, plagues and attacks by mythical creatures: the Celestials are definitely Old School in this respect.


Pisces


So, you had a great Christmas party and then a wonderful break with the family. Marvellous. However, your boss will want a word with you about that young lady you got off with. It turns out, she's his niece who's doing GCSEs this year. Oops. Happy New Year!



Authors



Lockjaw: Aries, Cancer, Leo, Sagittarius


Deskpilot: Taurus, Libra


Flasharry: Gemini, Scorpio, Aquarius


Simonjjames: Virgo, Capricorn


Sinnick: Pisces


New Citizenship Test Questions

Just how British are you? The NewsBiscuit Citizenship Test* has been designed by idiots to assess your knowledge of this green and (mostly) pleasant land.


Q.   How many days was Liz Truss PM for?

A.   Way too many


Q.  Is Boris Johnson best known for  a) fathering lots of children  b) defying his own lockdown rules  c) a lamentable response to the covid crisis or d) all of the above?

A.  a, b, c and d are all acceptable answers.  And there are a lot more acceptable answer beyond these...


Q. You are in a takeaway outlet getting a hot drink.  How many sugar packets should you take?  a) what you need   b) an extra one, in case the drink is too bitter  c) as many as you can fit in your pockets

A.  b, if there is a security camera, otherwise c


Q.  If someone has left a mattress in their front garden is it because  a) they are offering overnight accommodation to the destitute  b) it wouldn't fit through the door  c)  it's a sign that you can buy illegal substances there  d) there's a marital dispute and someone is sleeping outside

A.  The best answer is d.  Half marks for a or c.  No marks for b unless it is a brand new mattress in its wrappings.


Scored 4? You're fully British. Oh, and it's your round.


Scored 2-3 ? It's your round. Welcome to Britain


Scored 0 - 1 ? You're probably thick. You'll fit in fine. It's your round.


*Not actually valid for citizenship - you'll have to sit a much harder test for that



Avatar is a 4-hour opportunity to get to third-base

The vast numbers of people going to a movie that no one asked for has been attributed to horny couples looking for discreet canoodling. Said one flustered teenager: "Normally I only get a couple of kisses an hour, but this film is so long I managed to impregnate the whole front row."


A billion-pound franchise with no discernible qualities, Avatar has been responsible for more unwelcome pregnancies than Boris Johnson at Guide Camp. Outside, as one moviegoer put on her bra, we asked her what she thought the film was about. "Smurfs in FernGully? The Blue Man Group meets Pocahontas? Whatever it was, it had loads of sex in it."


Asked if he wanted a fourth Avatar movie, one man said: "No. As much as I love the films, I just can't afford the child maintenance payments."



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