Man bases entire personality on coffee habits

A Suffolk man has based his entire work-persona and all office social interactions on his coffee preferences, it can be revealed.

Philip Deering from Scole is either "basically unconscious until I get me morning coffee!' or 'bouncing of the freakin' walls, mate!' according to his unilaterally-imposed and relentless statements to coworkers, as well as any passing cleaning or delivery staff who will listen, which is none.

Other unsolicited and vapid bean-based announcements include "Tea's not strong enough for me!', 'Need my coffee hit!," and '"ought myself a new cafetiere with a handcrafted oak plunger!" according to weary colleagues.

'Phil's mundane and ostensibly self-depreciating "addiction" updates are actually nothing more than thinly disguised and bizarrely pitched caffeine brags, though quite whom he is trying to impress is difficult to ascertain,' laments Jenny from Accounts, fresh from her fifteen minute ordeal at the copier.

This morning I was forced to listen to a review of his latest "artisan'"baboon-picked, vanilla guano beans. Its was quite frankly the most boring and faux-middle-class thing I've ever heard - and also meant I couldn't get a word in about my new wild yoga business or our wonderful new gardener, James. Oh you must meet him, a wizard with the orchids!'

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

New Prince Philip Statue Offends From Every Angle

Unveiling his remodelling of St James's Park and tributes to Queen Elizabeth II's reign, Lord Foster also showed initial designs for a monument to the Duke of Edinburgh that, like him, promises to offend after a few minutes in its presence.

'I'm very proud of my team's efforts in designing this testament,' the three-time Stirling Prize said yesterday at the announcement. "We dug deeply into the wit and wisdom of Her Majesty's Consort and feel we've captured the essence of his spirit in the outcome.

'While there's warmth and intelligence there; as you view it in the round, there will be parts that make you cringe and others that leave you visibly upset or infuriated. That, we feel, gets to the very centre of the man and his legend. It also means when you get further into the park, you really do appreciate the wonder that was our former monarch."

A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon.  Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing consequences.

The closure is thought to be because the company is in trouble, or because the lease has ended, or because people don’t buy that sort of stuff any more, or because they are relocating to larger or smaller premises, or because of shoplifting, or because there was a cannabis farm in the roof.  The store is expected to cease trading later this year, or possibly next year.

We contacted staff members who were gutted by the closure plans. Jezza, who has worked at the store for a number of weeks, says that of all the minimum wage jobs he’s had, this is definitely one of them. He asked us not to mention the company products stuffed up his jumper, and said that he’d been asked to take them home for testing.

We contacted the company for comment, but their company policy is not to comment.   They did, however, comment that they have lots of branches and that there will still be a number of stores nearby.   They also said that store closures do happen fairly frequently, and the local media’s obsession with running stories about them was driving everyone at the company slightly nuts.

Colin, a shopper who has lived locally for 70 years, says that he is a big fan of the company’s products and that he finds them very useful.  He used to shop at the store every day, up until the restraining order. He says that the journey to the next nearest store is not difficult, although he can’t shop there either, for reasons that he wouldn’t disclose.

Photo by Bruce Williamson on Unsplash