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With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot weather items such as beer and ice cream. However, stocks of suncream remain plentiful.


"People need to respect the sun," consultant dermatologist Lucy Whitehead told us. "In Australia, they had great success with their 'slip, slop, slap' campaign. When we tried that here, a lot of men just thought we were describing a good Saturday night out. Brits think they can't get sunburn in the UK, like there's some form of special sunlight here that is made by St George or something, which explains the smell of roast pork mixed with aloe vera every time I visit Sainsbury's."


Outside a Sainsbury's in Basildon, several lobster-toned men are planning for the weekend by filling cars with crates of drinks and bags of barbequeable meat, but UV protection is nowhere to be seen. "It's not like Spanish sun, you don't burn like you do there," one medium-rare gentleman told us. "My uncle never wore anything to protect him; not in 1976, not any day he worked outside, and not when he got diagnosed with melanoma in his 50's. If it gets a bit much, I just have a dunk in the paddling pool and I'm right as rain. Besides, it all turns to tan a few days later and I get a healthy bronze glow. It's also good for my eczema, I'm hoping it'll help this red patch on my arm that's really uncomfortable and just won't go away."


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United States President Donald Trump has expressed surprise that he hasn’t yet been presented with a swimming award, despite no evidence that he can swim. Critics say that he just jumps in feet first and thrashes about, creating massive waves.


Hardly driven by jealousy over former President Barack Obama’s swimming certificate for calmly negotiating his way through troubled waters, Trump claims to have warranted a similar prize four or five times. He says that he hasn’t been given the credit he deserves for wading in all around the world, especially in India and Pakistan. However, the Indian Prime Minister said that it was he who successfully reached the other end, and it was nothing to do with the US President.


Other world leaders have praised some of the strokes that Trump has pulled. In particular, Russia’s Vladimir Putin has expressed admiration for the US President’s front and back crawl techniques. And Israel’s Netanyahu has vowed to work with Trump on his entry into the pool with a massive bomb.


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A psychotherapist who studied footage of both Trump’s birthday parade and the No Kings protests, which took place all over Yankeeland, has told Newsbiscuit he fears for the morale of the US military.


“The difference between the joy, or lack of, on the participants’ faces was striking” he said. “The No Kings protesters were clearly having a ball, whereas those taking part in the military parade looked sullen, with no spring in their step. They reminded me of the way I felt when my wife dragged me on a shopping exhibition in Oxford Street to buy a new frock. I watched Full Metal Jacket when it came out; and saw cheerier faces on the troops being abused by the drill sergeant than on those poor bastards, dragging their feet along the parade route.”


A Newsbiscuit journalist commented “Even the guardsmen attending King Charles Birthday Trooping the Colour extravaganza didn’t look disappointed at being told it wasn’t really his birthday, and they wouldn’t get jelly and ice cream when the marching was over.”


A spokesfreak from the San Francisco chapter of the No Kings protests told us, “Peace is wild, man” as he gathered flowers to wear in his hair.



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