Family of 14 evicted from on-line fulfilment centre

A family of 14, including two great-grandparents, have been evicted from a high-tech warehouse in Sunderland.

The warehouse is owned and operated by a well-known on-line retailer who has, amazingly, asked not to be named.  We are able to say, however, that the warehouse is in a prime location.

The retailer said that the family had got in by mailing themselves to the warehouse, pretending to be returned goods.  Once inside, they hacked the stock control system to make certain racks unavailable for use.  They then lived in the racking, unnoticed, hiding behind dusty pallets of unsold Boris Johnson books.   They survived by eating cardboard and returned corn-and-potato based snacks.   For entertainment, they challenged each other to wear a blindfold and work out which was which.

Six members of the family were subsequently hired by the retailer, even though they gave their home address as that of the warehouse.  They worked regular shifts for over a year, and one of them won employee of the month three times.  Despite this, the family was made to leave, and all six employees were sacked.  Two family members escaped the eviction process by despatching themselves to a pick-up locker nearby.

The retailer said that it would not prosecute the family as company policies didn’t directly cover the circumstances.   A spokesman confirmed that IT security would be tightened and company policies updated.

Although there was some damage to copies of ‘Unleashed’ there was no financial loss as they were already unsaleable and worthless.

Trump assigns Neil Patrick Harris Secretary for Health

As expected, Donald Trump this week made Neil Patrick Harris his Secretary for Health and Human services. In a long telegraphed appointment, Trump made good on his plan to put the award winning Broadway actor in charge of the country's fattening health. Citing Harris's extensive experience playing Doogie Howser, M.D., over four seasons from 1989 to 1993, Trump said Americans could rest assured Harris was overqualified to take on the burden of saving 325 million patients.

The then 16 year old Harris was so convincing as the prodigy teenage physician that members of the public would approach him in sneaker stores and ask his opinions of their suspicious moles and weird dry mouth symptoms. Harris became increasingly adept at spouting ad hoc diagnoses, to the point that he sounded like an actual jaded doctor. Thereafter the US public's confusion between act and reality settled into the same pattern it has in every other sphere that has led to what we are facing in 2025.

Observers believe Trump is trying to form a 'kitchen cabinet of geniuses.' He himself is an unarguably stable one; Harris/Howser, who possesses a genius intellect and photographic memory, is now at Health; Musk, the tech Leonardo, is in charge of the 1930s revival; Marilyn Vos Savant, with an IQ of 228 (look her up), will be put in charge of regulating the diet coke industry; while Simon Jordan will be tasked with frightening off the Houthis.

Bill Gates, however, is out. 'Bill was just too Epsteiny.' Gates, whose wife famously divorced him after she found out that the public had found out about his weekends on Eppy Isle, believes his chance will arise should there be a second pandemic. 'Bill's hopes rest solely on something apocalyptic emerging from China. He actually prays for it.' Meanwhile Trump is set to hire Jeff Bezos to handle the indigenous peoples threat from the Amazon.

Image: WixAI

Trump threatens to annex Love Island

The 47th president has threatened the renegade territory, whose sovereignty is a grey area, with the full might of American invasive techniques, honed over multiple movie-inspiring wars, unless it does something to stop him. 'Love Island is prime property that could fall into the hands of the Crink powers lest the commander in chief moves TODAY,' said a White House insider. Crink stands for China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, and the incessant need to acronymize.

In recent weeks, Trump has stepped up his whispering campaign of possible annexations of plum-located nation territories with piddling militaries, such as Canada, Greenland, Panama, and Great Britain. With the Gulf of Mexico being renamed The Gulf of America and traditional military headwear being replaced with reinforced MAGA caps, supporters think the time is ripe to snatch the island from under the noses of grasping yellow hands.

'America needs to control Love Island to ensure international security,' said the insider. The island is a black hole for diplomacy, and has seen scores of transient relationships fall by the wayside. It is also a monarchy whose current head, Burger King, has exerted power with nothing like the full understanding of Peter Thiel's constant frown.

Meanwhile there are fears that with the world's attention firmly focused on the various threats put about by Trump solely to secure leverage and wholly unlikely to be acted upon, China will roll over Taiwan this spring, kickstarting the kind of world war only banks survive. 'My belief,' said one analyst, 'is that Love Island is at a unique geographical vulnerability, being the shallowest island on Earth.'

Image: WixAI