Krypton Factor super-children ‘bit of a disappointment’

It was one of the most-watched TV programmes from the late 70s to the mid 90s. Super-fit brainiacs ran an assault course, sat IQ tests and were tested on their powers of observation. Male and female finalists were then matched in a secret breeding process modelled on the Nazi ‘Lebensborn’ programme which produced that one from Abba you didn’t fancy.

‘We had high hopes for the Krypton Kids’, a spokesman told us. ‘Fit, intelligent, observant – the three qualities you need in a master race. The mistake the Nazis made was focusing too much on appearance. As long as they were white we didn’t care’.

The first products of the breeding programme are now in their forties, but have yet to discover cold fusion or form one quarter of a global superband. Where did the programme go wrong?

‘We were too picky, we should have had thousands of couples, tens of thousands’, the spokesman said. ‘Also, the ability to remember a number plate from a brief video might not have been the superpower we thought it was.’

Critics have generally been somewhat negative about eugenics-based breeding programmes, though Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘quite interested’ in a large-scale reboot.

Photo by Hal Gatewood on Unsplash

British people thrilled with more opportunities to complain about the weather

Climate Change is gaining unlikely popularity with a notoriously difficult to please bunch: the British public. A record 164 million signatures has been garnered for the new petition: Keep the Home Fires Burning.

Norah Bates of Sconfield, who set up the petition last week, said, 'I was standing at the bus stop, waiting for a service that ended up being cancelled, and we had so much to moan about we hardly even noticed we'd been waiting there for four hours. I had to have a toe amputated due to frostbite, and I've never been happier. It made me think, "maybe I'm not alone?"'

A random, friendly billionaire who very kindly sponsoring the petition confirms, 'Research shows it's not just climate change that is making Brits happy. Poor-quality products and services all help to generate our well-renowned Blitz spirit that makes us the envy of the world.'

Story by: lostandflounder

Photo by Urban Vintage on Unsplash

Shopping centres to harness energy loss from Xmas shoppers

Shopping centres across the UK are set to capitalise on the huge energy loss that most people experience as soon as they step foot on their premises during the Christmas period, it has been confirmed.

It is thought that billions of kilojoules of energy are currently wasted every single day in December, as thousands of people exhale loudly, start cursing and totally lose the will to live, the minute they enter a crowded indoor shopping centre.

‘As soon as I see the dreary parade of Officers’ Club, The Works, and Perfume Club stores, plus that calendar shop that magically appears on December 1st in every shopping precinct across the sodding country, every ounce of energy instantaneously drains from my body’, said a weary Mike McBride, sat forlornly on a bench outside a rammed ‘Vape Express’ shop. ‘I can’t do it. I can’t walk another step’.

‘When I see the crowds wandering aimlessly without any hope around Primark, I just want the world to end. And that frankly piss-poor attempt at a Christmas window display in Rymans is enough to push anyone over the edge’, continued McBride.

‘And no, I am not thinking of changing my bloody broadband provider before you ask’, growled McBride to a bemused Sky salesman wearing a Santa hat at a pop up stand.

‘It’s actually a well-known scientific phenomenon’ said Mark Da Costa, Professor of retailing at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly). ‘A rapid loss of energy after encountering an uninspiring, overpriced, garishly decorated retail unit’.

‘We call it the WHSmith effect’.

‘The energy expelled could be used to power a small town’ continued Professor Da Costa. ‘Or another 3 soulless shopping precincts’.

Photo by Heidi Fin on Unsplash