Asian Hornets Society calls for better hornet housing

A hornets' nest in Southampton said to to be home to some 3,000 hornets was just 75cm-wide. " This is an absolute disgrace" said Milly Purviss of the Asian Hornets Society. "It's time the government took action against rogue hornet landlords such as the one that rented out this accommodation."

More pressure is being put on local councils to provide reasonable-sized, cheap accommodation to dangerous insects but there has been a lot of opposition from Reform UK.

Reform's leader, pub bore and professional milkshake dodger, Nigel Farage, has hit out against the provision of housing for hornets, especially the Asian ones. "What about the British stinging insects?" he asked our reporter. "It's one rule for the British insects and another for the foreign, work shy, immigrant hornets! They can't even speak English!"

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Strictly to recruit famous dead person for next series

NewsBiscuit has seen a secret BBC document suggesting that the Corporation may be about to recruit a famous dead person for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing. In a paper marked “Strictly Confidential”, the unknown author states that with the success of Rose Ayling-Ellis, Johnnie Peacock and now Chris McCausland, the public has been shown to “willingly embrace diversity amongst the contestants”.

However, the text emphasises that any announcement would come with significant communication challenges. In particular, the messaging around the decision should highlight the “innovation and edginess”, and not mention anything about “lower appearance fees”, or that a dead person would be “unable to complain about abuse”.

While the paper acknowledges the challenges of “visual appearance and decomposition”, it states however that “make-up, fake tan and glitter should successfully conceal the vast majority of blemishes”.

A further challenge noted is the "relatively small pool of famous preserved corpses", some of whom were dictators, whose “past political views may overshadow the dance performances and therefore complicate news management”. As a result, a draft shortlist comprising only Tollund Man and Jeremy Bentham is set out, with the latter being “cheaper but scoring very poorly on name recognition in early focus groups”.

In a final point, the document’s author says that while there might be initial criticism about recruiting someone who “couldn’t dance or even smile”, these issues had been “dealt with years ago in recruiting Ann Widdecombe”.

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Scientists turn James Webb Space Telescope on Labour’s black hole

Following the discovery of a black hole at the Treasury by Chancellor Rachel Reeves, the James Webb Space Telescope has now been repositioned in an effort to study this fiscal phenomenon more closely.

N.A.S.A. spokesperson Jane Franklyn told us, “This is the telescope that discovered CEERS 1019, a supermassive black hole that existed just over 570 million years after the big bang. Now we are focussed on 1 HORSEGUARDS ROAD and another black hole formed some 38 years after the financial market deregulation big bang. See what I did there?”

However, early investigations have proved contradictory. “We are not getting consistent results” explained Jane. “We are trying to view this from all sides of the spectrum and from the blue side you might almost be tempted to think there was nothing there at all. However, when we shift towards infrared there it is in all its glory, a nebulous political anomaly, requiring immediate remedial action, such as cooling down millions of older bodies over the coming months.”

When asked how much longer the telescope might be utilised in this way, Ms Franklyn told us they were already pointing it back out into the Universe. “We find that Earthly peculiarities usually end up being a waste of our resources. After all, we never did discover which planet Donald Trump is on.”

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