Hanson's MMMBop follow up, MMMPox is 'just as catchy'

Pop group Hanson have decided to follow up their 1997 mega-hit MMMBop with a more grown up sound, surprising many by moving into infectious diseases. Fans have described their new track MMMPox as 'sick' and 'ill' and 'a real killer'.

Music industry insider Rachel Rutherford said 'MMMPox is clearly very, very catchy. There was an early release in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and it's just been spreading like wildfire. People are literally dying for it. I'm sure it will break into the European markets soon - and if white people start dying for it, then the world will actually take notice.'

The band M People and the footballer Kylian Mbappe have denied any involvement with MMMPox. M People asked 'what have you done today to make you feel proud?'. Mbappe replied that recently he had scored on debut for Real Madrid and as a result won the European Super Cup but he was proudest of publicly trashing the French far right.

Elsewhere, Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst briefly stopped buying canned goods and facemasks to say 'Death is coming. A new pandemic is on its way, just a few years after governments the world over failed to learn any lessons from the last one. Put the champagne on ice and rev up those VIP procurement lanes. The Tories are ready for some serious misconduct, without any consequences, obviously.'

Hootington-Hurst broke some special glass and sounded the bugle located behind it.

'I have summoned Boris. May God have mercy on us all.'

Image: Jamie Haughton (@haughters) | Unsplash Photo Community

Asda bids for pensioner shoppers by putting more staff on the tills

Asda is to put more staff on the tills after finding too many goods are getting nicked via the self-service checkouts.

The move is expected to appeal to pensioners; and staff who are fed up having to stand all day long, keeping an eye open for biscuit thieves.

Maisie May, who was a former checkout assistant told Newsbiscuit she is hoping to get the job she had back because she misses hearing pensioners’ life stories at the checkout and learning what the price of fish was in the war, compared to today.

Pensioner Sid Gardner said he misses the long queues they used to have when people paid by cheque, but could never find a Biro that worked.

“Those were the days” he told the Newsbiscuit reporter who insists on wearing correspondent shoes. “There was so much more of a community spirit when you went down the queue asking if anyone had a pen that worked. These days, the queues are just as long whilst the youngsters sod around trying to buy shopping with their phones, but you can’t help them with it, can you, nor tell them them about the arse cream the doctor prescribes when their kids are screaming for the bubblegum flavoured Cornettos in their trolleys.”

An Asda spokes trolley boy thought it was a retrograde step encouraging pensioners back into the store saying it’s a pain having to collect trolleys from the disabled parking bays instead of the trolley ports.

Image: Pixabay

Power of Love not quite what had been anticipated

For a good many years, the power of love has been regarded as being the gold standard in power: inspiring books, songs and motion pictures. Indeed, in light of the carbon crisis now engulfing the planet, it had been hoped that it might provide an alternative energy stream, possibly something to set alongside wind, wave and solar.

We went to Sighswell C, site of a prospective Lovepower™ generation site, to find out more about this fabled engine driver. Alas, it seems that early results have proved somewhat less than satisfying.

“Initial trials left us quite impressed, because the amount of drive produced was quite potent and it seemed to be about equal for both AC and DC applications,” Prof Iterole, the director of studies informed us, “but then it swiftly tailed off and only came back online sporadically, and for inconsistent durations. Indeed, our latest findings suggest that, despite being widely lauded as this mighty thing, the power of love is in fact substantially less potent than its reputation would lead us to believe.” He sighed and gazed briefly into the middle distance. “We tried channelling it through other mediums and found that the use of diamonds for focus briefly increased the intensity, but that it soon dwindled once more and was then barely sufficient for anything beyond powering basic domestic appliances like vacuum cleaners or kitchen utensils.”

“It is quite powerful, in fact,” Anne Other, another research scientist, told us, looking up from her microscope, “but it’s also desperately short-lived – only generally capable of being exerted for periods ranging from between 47 seconds to just over five minutes. It actually makes the range of electric vehicles look impressive.” She snorted. “Nonetheless, it’s still more impressive than the other heat pumps we’ve been trialling…”

Image: Pixabay/Bergadder