Raab says Afghan refugee talks in Ibiza are ‘not another holiday’

Dominic Raab has denied that his current trip to discuss the Afghan refugee crisis is in fact a disguised holiday.

The Foreign Secretary was spotted downing pints and acting raucously at the airport before his flight to Qatar. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops, a straw hat and sunglasses. It is said he only packed one suit for the entire trip.

Mr Raab told reporters that his kite surfing trip after meeting the Qatari government was “an importance piece of diplomacy”, but he couldn’t explain why it was.

The itinerary for the trip will see Mr Raab visit other major governments in the region which have “great beaches and/or hotels”, but it now emerges it also includes visits to the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amsterdam and other top holiday hot spots.

'I need to understand the role the night clubs in Ibiza, the beaches in the Bahamas and the cannabis cafés in Amsterdam can play in all this,' Mr Raab said. 'The fact Michael Gove is joining me in Ibiza doesn’t make it a "lad’s weekend away" at all and it is not to make up for cutting my other holiday short. It is a tough job but somebody has to do it.

'Now if you will excuse me as I am running late for my massage.'

photo: marucha @ Pixabay

Britain Withdraws From Isle of Wight

Driven out by the Telly Ban, geriatric fundamentalists who 'Don't hold with them funny modern things like leccertricity and other sinister witchcraft', British armed forces were defeated after suffering many years catastrophic losses as servicemen were, for the most part, hideously bored to death.

Just months after the last occupying forces were slowly ferried ashore to the mainland, the Telly Ban swept - well, slowly ambled and shuffled - into power, and before long were filling post office queues (both of them) across the length and breadth of the island.

'We knew they wouldn't last' said one resident. 'They only been here since - when was it Mrs Taylor lost her cat? - can only be a few hundred years ago. Bringing complicated things like clocks, mysterious magic things like wireless sets and dangerous machines like bicycles. And their fancy ways, like educating girls, and boys, and even teaching them to read and write. We'll soon put a stop to all that nonsense.'

Hat-tip ArthurPyke

photo: obsidianphotography @ Pixabay

Afghans can stay says Home Office. Check the small print say Windrush generation

Afghans who worked for the British military will be able to move to the UK permanently, claimed a spokeswoman – while crossing her fingers. One PPI lawyer said the promise was not worth the paper it was written on, while another, who we spoke to, never got over his giggling fit.

Said one refugee: ‘I'm not saying I don't trust Priti Patel but she did seem to be smirking when she said it. By the way, how legally binding is a contract written on the back of a beer coaster, in lipstick?’

The spokeswoman clarified: ‘The UK is known the world over for keeping its promises, you only have to look at how we've brought peace to the Middle East. We always honour our agreements, right up until there is no longer a profit in it’.

One Windrush deportee commented: ‘Don't bother unpacking’.

photo: ArmyAmber @ Pixabay