Afghans can stay says Home Office. Check the small print say Windrush generation

Afghans who worked for the British military will be able to move to the UK permanently, claimed a spokeswoman – while crossing her fingers. One PPI lawyer said the promise was not worth the paper it was written on, while another, who we spoke to, never got over his giggling fit.

Said one refugee: ‘I'm not saying I don't trust Priti Patel but she did seem to be smirking when she said it. By the way, how legally binding is a contract written on the back of a beer coaster, in lipstick?’

The spokeswoman clarified: ‘The UK is known the world over for keeping its promises, you only have to look at how we've brought peace to the Middle East. We always honour our agreements, right up until there is no longer a profit in it’.

One Windrush deportee commented: ‘Don't bother unpacking’.

photo: ArmyAmber @ Pixabay

Were you mis-sold a PFI or WMD by Tony Blair? You may be due some compensation

People of Afghanistan, you may be able to claim a cash settlement of up to £7.23, if you or a loved one were accidental killed in attempt to boost Tony Blair’s ego. If you were told that your country had WMD or Osama Bin Laden hiding in your attic, you may have been the victim of an elaborate fraud.

Were you offered infrastructure projects at vastly inflated prices, that never materialized? Does that sound familiar? Sadly, it was too late for the citizens of the UK, who already handed over £300bn, with the vague promise that Alastair Campbell would tarmac their drive.

Leading a notorious group of conmen, Blair tricked voters into three election victories, but by 2001 he was aiming for something bigger – a lap dance with George Bush. Be warned, Blair is still at large today, often using the fake ID of ‘Peace Envoy’. People of Afghanistan, if you think you may have been duped by him – join the queue.

Where were all these ‘experts’ on Afghanistan twenty years ago?

Sociologists have noticed an odd phenomenon, where suddenly there is an influx of people who have never able to spell Afghanistan, but are suddenly ‘experts’ on military tactics, Pashto dialect and the nuances of dealing with at least eight discrete ethnic groups. In fact the combined wisdom of these commentators is deeply impressive, given that only last week they all mistook Disneyland Paris for Kabul.

Said one such genius: ‘Yes, I originally supported the CIA channelling $2 billion worth of arms to support terrorists in the region and to train Osama Bin Laden. But it would take fevered imagination to see some kind of connection between the Mujahideen and the Taliban. For instance, they are spelt completely differently.

‘I can’t see how there is a link between us illegally invading Afghanistan, looting its wealth, installing a puppet regime and the troubles we have today? We’ve rejuvenated the Afghan economy – you only have to look at the way we’ve helped them become an exporter of 90% of all the world’s illicit opium. That’s civilization for you’.

The only ‘expert’ no one seems to have heard from, despite his ability to sound off on every conceivable topic, is Tony Blair. Odd that.