Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use.
'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.'
So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply:
'Marc Almond was half of the famous pop art painting Wham! by Roy Lichtenstein. Bake Almond at 200 degrees Celsius in a funsize assisted oven.
'Grrrk. Our accounts show that you owe us 2,000 Fahrenheit. Pay now or we will execute you.
'Remove Neneh Cherry from fin assisted coven and allow to stand. WHICH ONE OF YOU IS ALAN BATES? I WANT BATES!
'Grrrrk. This post office has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Pay us 200,000 Bakewell tarts or die. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!'
'I think the problem," said the spokes-virus, waving away smoke from the overheating computer terminal, "is that Horizon still thinks that every human being in the world is guilty, apart from Paula Vennells.'
