Trump’s 50 state crime strategy

Republican voters love 'law' and 'order' and therefore Donald Trump's polling goes up when he is charged with yet another crime that he is obviously guilty of. This makes Trump’s most likely path to the White House a crime spree encompassing all 50 states.

One Trump advisor said ‘Good wholesome American crime, like suppressing black voters, or shooting black teenagers in the back or hiring hookers and paying for their silence or being urinated on by those hookers and then paying for their silence. Or election fraud.’

Less electorally important states will get less exciting crimes, but no-one appears sure what Trump might do in big swing states like Pennsylvania or a huge state like California.

The advisor winked and said ‘I’m not saying it involves a live donkey, but I'm not not saying that either.’

'White House or the jail house, baby!'

The Atlantic Declaration: key points to hit your snooze button

Rishi Sunak and Joe Biden have agreed a historic declaration last week. It's called the Atlantic Declaration. There is no truth in the rumour that it is named this way because it's wet or because it rhymes with frantic.

Here are the main points:

• Joe Biden to be referred to as Mr President, and Rishi Sunak to be referred to as Mr President (keeps things simple).

• America can extradite people from the UK wherever and whenever. The UK is entitled to ask for reciprocity.

• Chlorinated chicken and deep fried Mars bars can be served at summits

• Britain is welcome to keep trying to make American versions of its sitcoms work

• UK to transition to driving on the right over the next twenty years, to assist the struggling US car industry

• US-UK co-operation on nuclear power gives the UK the important job of looking after the waste

• Liz Truss can never set foot on American soil

The Declaration is valid in perpetuity, or until the next presidential election, whichever comes first.

America accuses Jupiter's big red spot of spying on it