Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project of uncovering the truth behind claims that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is 'rude, arrogant and entitled.'

Professor Ron Jenkins of the University of Clacton explained the problem. 'It's such a difficult thing to clarify assuming, of course, that you ignore everyone who's met him and everything he does. But, with a few years' work, and appropriate funding, I think we'll get there. Then we can finally find out who's been putting all that bear shit in the woods and if the Pope only celebrates Easter because of the chocolate eggs.'

'Did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?'

Professor Ron Jenkins was recently found dead in circumstances which are definitely not suspicious.

Go about your business.

Image: WixAI

In the club, discussing Andrew's role as 'trade envoy'

Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

'Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK.

'We're asking ourselves why we never spotted before how perfectly he'd fit into our party.

'Like Zahawi, Dorries and the rest of the flotsam which has washed up with us, Andrew has done sod all good for anyone in his life, and blames everyone from the government to the media for bringing him down when he is entirely the author of his own misfortunes.

'This is why we're putting up Andrew forthwith as Reform UK candidate in the Gorton and Denton by-election next Thursday.

'He'll be electoral catnip for the tens of thousands of voters in the constituency who are themselves ill-educated, disagreeable, irresponsible, self-destructive failures eaten up by resentment.

Why shouldn't people like that be represented in Parliament by one of their own kind? They are also human,' said the spokes-swine.

'Well, sort of human.'

Image: Wix AI