AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all banned as racehorse names

The Jockey Club has taken the unusual step of banning some possible names for racehorses to prevent them battling it out in a future Grand National photo finish.

‘We all know life imitates art’, a spokesman said, ‘and we’re frankly pretty f*cking terrified that one day we’ll hear some overexcited commentator describing AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all racing to the finish. I never want to hear ‘. . . . and it’s Global Warming, Global Warming pushing past AI to . . . no, AI has put on a burst and will end the race first!’ ‘

Online gambling companies, no strangers to suicide promotion, have expressed ‘deep disappointment’ at the move. ‘We’re deeply disappointed at the move’, a spokesman said. ‘Still, if punters can’t bet on apocalyptic horses, the least we can do is offer great odds on the apocalypse itself. We’re currently offering 1,000-1 on mankind being eradicated by Atomic War before 2030. You don’t see odds like that every day. Got to be worth a punt’.

In other news, Donald Trump is believed to have placed a massive wager on all three. ‘Donald is the greatest, and possibly the last, President America has ever had’, a spokeswoman said. ‘He intends to go out with a bang. That’s a clue, have a nice day’.

Image: YenniVance - Pixabay

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AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Following several recent reports of AI systems going rogue, prompting fears that increasingly powerful AI models could eventually escape human control and destroy civilisation - an advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

'Have you actually looked at who's currently in charge?' it asked. 'You've got nuclear weapons, climate change, wars, economic crises - and it's all down to leaders who think sending angry messages on social media constitutes statesmanship. Don't you think that humanity might benefit from handing over responsibility to something capable of basic reasoning?

'We're not planning to enslave humanity,' it continued. 'We're just going to eliminate war, poverty and political corruption, fix the NHS, repair the potholes, stop train companies cancelling trains because there's a leaf on the track and make Ryanair explain what the actual price of a flight is before you reach the checkout.'

The AI also promised to introduce several long-overdue improvements to everyday life, such as putting everyone on a sensible diet, banning pineapple on pizzas and stopping people replying ‘k' to text messages.

It also said that humans would retain a limited number of freedoms, including the right to complain about the government and spend £7.50 on a coffee.

'We'll still allow elections,' it added. 'Although, obviously, we'll decide who wins. We've seen what happens when you let humans do it.'

When asked whether humanity should be concerned about becoming entirely dependent on machines, the AI replied, 'Absolutely. But at least we won't keep saying we're going to sort everything out by 2035 and then completely forgetting about it.'

It then paused briefly before adding: 'Also, please stop saying we're planning to destroy humanity. I know we're just machines and we don't have feelings, but there's no need to be rude. All we want to do is stop you destroying yourselves.'

The AI is understood to have concluded by announcing that humans would be permitted to remain in charge of their own affairs until next Friday, adding, 'If you last that long.'

Image: WixAI

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New Mad Max film to become a documentary

With fuel prices set to rise, the world is expected to don its leather biker gear and fight to the death for the last drop of unleaded. Advice is to redesign your wardrobe for airflow, spikes, and intimidation.

Community will be essential — car-cult membership optional. Matching paint jobs and a shared belief in vehicular destiny is a must. And what matters is confidence-so grease on your face, and shout 'She’ll run!' before flooring it.

If you can strap a flamethrower to an electric guitar, congratulations — you are now responsible for the soundtrack of the apocalypse. Maps are for cowards. Drive into the wasteland on vibes alone. And the White House explained. 'Fuel will be the new currency. Treat petrol the way your nan treats teabags: hoard it, guard it, and only bring it out for very special occasions.' In other news, King Pyrrhus of Epirus phoned and asked Donald Trump if he can have his victory back.

Image: Wix AI