Suella Braverman - a one woman rebuke to the concept of the cream rising to the top and someone who regards breaking the Ministerial Code six times before breakfast as ‘a slow day’ - has bought some marquees, to put some asylum seekers in. What could possibly go wrong?
In a mix up, the planned hostile environment will be a bit more village fete as the marquees play host to a large wine and cheese party. There will be cake, vol-au-vents and those miniature sausage rolls. There will also be face painting, guess the number of sweets in the jar and a tombola, drawn by the local vicar.
Youssef Younis said 'These fondant fancies are amazing, I must ask for the recipe. Hooking the ducks from the pond proved a bit tenser than you might expect. But you have to remember that most of us have recently avoided drowning in the Channel. This game felt a bit on the nose.'
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst shook his head sadly. 'Suella is furious, but she’s always furious about something - she has the air of someone who has just dropped their car keys down the drain and is looking for someone else to blame. And she didn’t make any money off the Farage/Marshall Wace/NatWest grift. Unlucky!'
'These days, if any Tory is hosting a party, you have to wonder just how many laws are being broken. I recommend making sure you have a decent alibi for when you are inevitably summoned to testify at a Parliamentary enquiry.'
'I would like to extend the hand of friendship to our 500 new neighbours in their temporary home moored such a short distance from the mainland they have struggled so hard to reach. I would also wish that all 427 of them will be comfortable with their on-board accommodation and dockside facilities.'
'It is my belief that these 350 odd new Portlandians will be inspired by our world-class sailing set-up and water-sports activities, and that many of the 287 would-be citizens will be impressed with the public and private transport links that provide access to local - and not so local - commercial and historic sites which this area of the country has in abundance.'
'I am sure that the 197 residents of the Bibby Stockholm will find their stay liberating, fruitful and satisfying, and that many of the 80 or so 'guests' will make a significant impact on our little island community before moving on to greater things.'
'In conclusion, may we open our hearts to these couple of dozen souls whose journey to this country has been perilous indeed, and wish that this bare handful of brave individuals will ultimately achieve their goals.'
'As a last gesture, I would like to present a plaque marking the occasion to our new friend Tariq - oh, he's gone'