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The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tirade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony. The heckle was considered particularly offensive due to it happening while two representatives of the jam industry were presenting an award for best use of a non-citrus toast topper in a television drama.


As the jam executives took to the stage, viewers watching the live coverage were to hear cries of 'jam w**kers', emitting from a table nearby where the marmalade-eating Peruvian was known to be seated.


Later, when Paddington made his scheduled appearance on stage himself to present the award for best children's and family entertainment programme, viewers were shocked when he slammed a jar of marmalade onto the podium and declared, 'this is what a breakfast condiment looks like, you f***ers!'


Viewers were later told by host, Alan Cumming, that anyone who has seen Paddington or any of its sequels will know that South American bears have close to no control when talking about, or in the presence of, the citrus fruit preserve, be it raw from the jar or in sandwich form, and that while they apologised for any offence caused, it's equally important that we have a conversation about our relationship with the tangy breakfast favourite made from the juice and peel of oranges. However, several witnesses to the event denied that any such condition existed, and said that the usually timid bear arrived at the ceremony already off his tits on 25 jars of Robinson's Golden Shred.



Hollywood was left stunned last night as world-leading thespian-activist and part-time grey suit mannequin Keir Starmer swept up a BAFTA for Best Actor in 'U-Turn: The Movie', a political thriller praised for its special effects and total disregard for plot consistency.


Gliding down the red carpet with the confidence of a man who has never met a position he couldn’t reconsider, Starmer reportedly asked whether Wunmi Mosaku was 'one of the smaller Chagos Islands,' before advisers gently turned him 180 degrees and pointed him toward the photographers instead.


The film opens with a blizzard of pledges before pivoting into a graceful montage of reversals on winter fuel, WASPI women, grooming gangs and digital IDs –proving once and for all that the only red line is the one being quietly rubbed out.


Critics have called it 'the first political drama filmed entirely in post-production.'


His line, 'These are tough decisions,' already rivals cinema’s greats for emotional ambiguity.


Accepting the award, Starmer thanked 'everyone who believed in change,' before clarifying that by 'change' he meant small coins.


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