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BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'


In a major change in voting regulations in next year's BAFTA Film Awards, the academy are merging Best Actor in a Leading Role and Best Actress in a Leading Role into one award honouring Mortal Kombat II.


A BAFTA spokesperson said: 'I am sick of the debate about separating performers based on gender identity. If I have to read any more op-eds about JK Rowling or Ricky Gervais' backward attempts at relevancy, I am going to smelt the Adapted Screenplay statue onto my own face so I can't read them.'


When asked if it was possible to quantify the quality of Ethan Hawke's chameleonic turn in Blue Moon against Renate Reinsve's searing portrayal of familial neglect in Sentimental Value, the spokesperson replied:


'The only time I've been able to dodge discourse this year is seeing Karl Urban fight with a laser-powered Australian. And it was f***ing fantastic.'


Image: WixAI

Awards shows wary after incident at BAFTAs


Taking their cue from an ugly and embarrassing incident at the British Academy Film and Television Awards (BAFTA), where an audience member shouted a racial slur, producers of several upcoming media awards shows are taking extra precautions to avoid a repeat at their events.


John Amos, a producer for the Skinhead FilmFest, said, ‘As we are always conscious of our image, we will be taking all necessary measures to ensure an incident-free, family-friendly show. Security will be tighter than usual.’


The Independent Documentary Film Awards is aware they face special challenges this year. Their Press Officer said, ‘We have films up for awards about serial exhibitionists, and a first-person POV biopic about compulsive masturbation. We don’t want to detract from the dignity of the ceremony with any untoward behaviour, so for the first time we are considering not having a live audience. Or live presenters or acceptors.’


Asked for a comment about precautions they are taking to avoid possible racist comments during their 2026 Film Hoodie Awards Show, a spokesman for the Ku Klux Klan said they would keep in place their ‘usual standards and practices while defending free speech.’


A spokesman for the neo-Nazi media awards show, The Reich Stuff, said they did not plan any additional security measures. ‘Our crowds always know how to behave themselves when representing their heritage,’ the spokesman said. ‘Good breeding always shows out.’


The BBC said they were reviewing their risk management protocols and were still deciding whether they would air these shows live or on a five second, five minute or five day delay.



Image credit: Wix AI

Man who enjoyed BAFTAs finally admits sleeping through the whole thing


Colin Jameson, 38, of Newport Pagnall has finally admitted to family and friends that he slept all the way though this year's BAFTAs.


Jameson, of Acacia Avenue, arrived at work on Monday, fully prepared to join in all the conversations about this year's awards ceremony after having seen a thirty second clip on Good Morning Britain. He quickly memorised the big prizes and was ready to comment on the frocks should the occasion arrive.


Colin's wife Carol told us, “When he came to bed Colin told me he really enjoyed the awards and started going on about dresses and Cumberbatch but I could hear him snoring from upstairs where I was watching Dancing on Ice in the bedroom.”


“I first became suspicious when he told us how funny Rebel Wilson's jokes were,” said co-worker, Steve Andrews. “It was utter crap." he told our reporter. "I watched the first few minutes and even I had to switch it off and I like Mrs Brown's Boys!”



First published 16 Mar 2022


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