Man who enjoyed BAFTAs finally admits sleeping through the whole thing

Colin Jameson, 38, of Newport Pagnall has finally admitted to family and friends that he slept all the way though this year's BAFTAs.

Jameson, of Acacia Avenue, arrived at work on Monday, fully prepared to join in all the conversations about this year's awards ceremony after having seen a thirty second clip on Good Morning Britain. He quickly memorised the big prizes and was ready to comment on the frocks should the occasion arrive.

Colin's wife Carol told us, “When he came to bed Colin told me he really enjoyed the awards and started going on about dresses and Cumberbatch but I could hear him snoring from upstairs where I was watching Dancing on Ice in the bedroom.”

“I first became suspicious when he told us how funny Rebel Wilson's jokes were,” said co-worker, Steve Andrews. “It was utter crap." he told our reporter. "I watched the first few minutes and even I had to switch it off and I like Mrs Brown's Boys!”

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 16 Mar 2022

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BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tirade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony. The heckle was considered particularly offensive due to it happening while two representatives of the jam industry were presenting an award for best use of a non-citrus toast topper in a television drama.

As the jam executives took to the stage, viewers watching the live coverage were to hear cries of 'jam w**kers', emitting from a table nearby where the marmalade-eating Peruvian was known to be seated.

Later, when Paddington made his scheduled appearance on stage himself to present the award for best children's and family entertainment programme, viewers were shocked when he slammed a jar of marmalade onto the podium and declared, 'this is what a breakfast condiment looks like, you f***ers!'

Viewers were later told by host, Alan Cumming, that anyone who has seen Paddington or any of its sequels will know that South American bears have close to no control when talking about, or in the presence of, the citrus fruit preserve, be it raw from the jar or in sandwich form, and that while they apologised for any offence caused, it's equally important that we have a conversation about our relationship with the tangy breakfast favourite made from the juice and peel of oranges. However, several witnesses to the event denied that any such condition existed, and said that the usually timid bear arrived at the ceremony already off his tits on 25 jars of Robinson's Golden Shred.

Image: aitoff - Pixabay

BAFTA states that Tourette's incident was a f***ing disgrace

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