Conservative economics 101

While many are critical of the current party in power regarding the handling of the National economy, it is likely that most of the detractors are unaware of the parallel universe economics that are at play.

Take inflation, the measure of how rapidly costs are rising.  In standard economics inflation is strictly a derivative, a measure of the rate of change of value.  In Tory economics the definition depends on whether the rate of inflation is 'good' or 'bad'.  For example, inflation rising at 11% or so is obviously bad by any measure, but in Tory economics this is not only bad but not their fault - they don't control the external factors causing inflation such as war in Ukraine, price gouging by energy firms supporting the Tory party or by Brexit.  Ultimately it is the fault of the Bank of England that inflation is so high.

'Good' inflation, which is any fractional part of 'bad' inflation such as 6.5% (half), or 3.25% (quarter) or 2% (gnat's cock) is clearly thanks to the government who legally have no control over the Bank of England, but is obviously due to the price gouging energy firms gouging less thanks to the Tories, the war in Ukraine (and Gaza and several other places too mundane to mention) and of course, for unspecified reasons, due to Brexit. 

In the real universe the 6.5% and 3.25% are also bad, but in Tory economics these numbers prove prices are going down, which in the real world requires something real economists call deflation.  In real economics they indicate prices are still rising, but slower; in Tory economics deflation is bad for Tory donors, banks and hot air balloons.  It's also bad for those who actually have any residual cash not destroyed by the 11% inflation, but never acknowledged in either universe, but good for those who actually have to pay for stuff out of their own pocket.  Or for those companies that need to make stuff it should be a good thing, but the accountants would disagree.

In the next lesson we'll discuss political gravity, where down is up and 19% in the polls is really a good thing.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Entire UK united in ecstatic celebration as interest rate stays at 5.25%

Incredible and emotional scenes today across the UK as the Bank of England announced that the base interest rate would stay at 5.25%. Barely, as a clearly emotional Andrew Bailey, the Bank of England Governor, finished his sentence announcing the rate, loud cheers and beeping of horns could be heard across the country. Mr Bailey looked into the camera after the announcement and openly wept saying, "we did it guys, we only went and did it".

It was announced that schools were to be closed for the rest of the day and for tomorrow and a National Celebration called for. Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer crossed the floor of Parliament and warmly embraced after which the speaker threw his ceremonial gavel in the air and shouted, "let's go to the pub!!". There was a loud cheer and MPs spilled out on to the Westminster roads in scenes reminiscent of Fame, The Movie. Nigel Farage helped shocked immigrants from their boats on a Dover beach saying, "come on in, there's plenty for everyone now. Haven't you heard, it's stable at 5.25%". Police Officers stopped no one and searched no one, they simply smiled at passers by.

Reports are coming in of food banks closing by the dozens. The homeless are purposefully striding into Banks where they were met by staff giving out mortgages. The High Streets are awash with people stocking up for this most bountiful of Christmases.

5.25% is being seen as a Christmas miracle.

Photo by Alicja Ziajowska on Unsplash

Cap removed on bankers' arseholery

The government has taken the decision to open their Pandora's Box of Greed again, and let Satan's little helpers run riot. Said one starving child: 'They've been struggling to get by on shop brand champagne. I don't know how they coped.'

Left to their own devices bankers have all the self-control of a fox in a KFC. One bemused homeless individual quipped. 'You mean those multi-million pound contracts, were them showing restraint?!?'

An economist explained: 'It's all part of the financial cycle. Bonuses, followed by the collapse of civilization. We bail them out. Then we give them a bonus to try again. It's complicated. Not everyone gets it. I could show you diagrammatically, but it would just be a picture of you being repeatedly rogered with a bollard.'

Photo by fikry anshor on Unsplash