God's architect wins award

Following the Pope’s announcement that Antoni Gaudí - better known as God’s architect - had been declared Venerable, the Vatican says it intends to hold annual award ceremonies declaring God’s favourites across a range of jobs and professions.

The awards will see accountants, bankers, lawyers and others vying to be God's chosen one, first in their own profession and then to go on to win the overall title of God's favourite human. The Vatican hopes that the awards will outstrip the Oscars and the Golden Globes in popularity,

The Archbishop of Milan told reporters that almost everyone that knows anything about football will already know that AC Milan were chosen many years ago by the supreme being as his favourite football team. How else would you explain that they are still going strong, despite the countless charges of bribery and corruption against them. That, without doubt, is proof of divine intervention.

Pope watchers in the Vatican have said with their experience in money laundering, having people disappeared, and their already close ties with the Vatican, it’s very hard to look past one of the big Italian banks for God’s favourite Banker. Given Jesus’s barely disguised support of the wealthy, give unto Caesar what is Caesar's, an Italian Bankers win seems nailed on.

The British press are anxious that there should be plenty of UK interest in the awards and are asking readers to put forward possible candidates for nomination, which they will pass onto to the Archbishop of Westminster. To date, some names offered by Daily Mail readers are, Enoch Powell (favourite politician), Queen Elizabeth II (God's favourite horse breeder) and Tommy Cooper (favourite comedian in a fez). Just looking at Tommy would make God crease up, said Malcolm from Berkshire.

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Amendment to UN Declaration of Human Rights

A controversial draft for changing the UN's DHR has been proposed. "Breaking into your house and shooting you counts as self-defence if I have reason to think you might be dangerous."

The nationality of the draft's sponsor, Moshe Cohen, has not been confirmed officially. Moshe insisted," Obviously, there would need to be racial safeguards built into the amendment. White men with red necks would have a prima facie case to suspect danger from dark-skinned folk but the reverse would not apply. Haitians & other well-known pet eaters would need to prove their pacifist intentions. While the Bible could be cited to justify suspicions the Quran could not be considered equally."

A man wearing a towel on his head spoke out against the proposal. "Such a law would open the door for foreign nations to target the Knesset as  fair game for missiles as the military leaders of the IDF are well known to use it as a venue for meetings. This could set a dangerous precedent whereby gangs of medieval men would not be free to enslave & oppress any females who chanced to be born in 'their back yard.' "

Most national leaders declared they would not be able to offer any judgement on the amendment without consultation with & analysis from their financial advisors. The bankers were considered likely to be the deciding force.

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Half a mannequin, two ducks, and a peg: 190 candidates short, Tory vetting gets desperate

Announcing a General Election, you'd think a government might have planned to have enough Generals in place. Not this one. With just a couple of weeks until the application deadline, the Conservatives are 190 candidates short in constituencies all over the UK.

In a last minute mad panic, vetting of candidates has slipped to a new low. One seat in Surrey Heath will literally be challenged by a seat. And not even a good one like a Recaro, just a rusty-legged, wonky, battered, old plastic village hall seat. With distasteful staining on it so grim, not even a mangy pigeon with diarrhoea would perch on it.

Another candidate in the Home Counties will be a clothes peg, and a broken compass with a constant spinning needle will be the Conservative choice in South Northamptonshire.

Not just one, but two ducks will challenge a flock of 100 feral chickens currently running the Norfolk village of Snettisham. And some dangerous air turbulence has been put forward as a candidate in the West Midlands. The main thinking being that at least it is grabbing some news headlines at the moment and voters might have heard of it.

One London borough will have the choice of half a contorted mannequin as their Tory MP. Intrigued, some voters are asking 'which half?'

And a bag of hangers will contest the Hartlepool election, but is still expected to win, given local appetite for bringing back the death penalty.

In perhaps the worst case of candidate vetting, residents in Somerset will be presented with the option of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Picture credit: Wix AI