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Conservatives have admitted that their tax cuts were conceived when policy makers got high on the industrial grade ketamine Kwasi Kwarteng road tested at the Queen's funeral.
Bleary-eyed Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'We suddenly remembered who paid for the think tank parked on Downing Street, pointing its think barrel at numbers 10 and 11. In terms of trickle down economics, this is urinating on 99% of people from a huge height.'
Hootington-Hurst began singing, 'Tax cuts to benefit the richest 1%? Parklife. Bankers bonuses without limit? Parklife. Inexplicable lack of energy company windfall tax. Parklife. All the poor people, so many poor people, And they all go round and round and die... Park...life.'
'At least we didn't get so high that we made Liz Truss PM! Ha ha ha - wait, what?!'
Updated: Sep 25, 2022
Bankers, oil executives, buy-to-let landlords and other heroes of Britain's world-beating economic miracle have welcomed the government's help with their personal finances in the back-of-an-envelope budget announced yesterday.
The Confederation of British Bankers - the C B Bs - said that "with many of our members suffering from rising costs in the private aviation and Vernier chalet valet industries, we welcome the scrapping of the top rate of tax. And any leftover wedge will buy that many more highly rentable hovels in Levellingupland now that stamp duty is cut too."
"The only quibble we have with the Chancellor is why he wasted any time cutting the tax rate for the plebs. Apparently people on the average wage will be £400 better off - I mean what's the point of that? It barely buys you a cocktail at Madame Gigi's Apres-Ski 'Sports' Massage Salon. Better to keep the dosh and use it to fund oil company profits, sorry, tackle the energy crisis."
When our reporter pointed out that, with the loss of the 45% tax rate in the UK, CBB members could be classed as plebs too now, Ms Jones merely lit a £50 note and waved it in his face, saying "I don't f*cking think so."
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