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Bayeux Tapestry subject to VAR review

The Bayeux Tapestry is set to go on display in the UK at the British Museum - a risky move from France as most foreign-owned items on display there are never returned.


A French spokesman shrugged. 'We will need to make room for the World Cup trophy, so we're getting rid of this massive 1,000 year old carpet.'


Historians have expressed excitement as VAR may now be used to review the Battle of Hastings and potentially overturn the result, with one noting 'A few of the figures on the Tapestry are making the shape of a TV with their fingers. Tapestry? Tap in, more like. This is one in the eye for historical revisionism.'


A statement from the office of King Harold on parchment read 'Forsooth, some of ye Norman archers are interfering with play and so they are offside, Gary, verily 110%.'



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Thousands snap up tickets to see the Burnhameux Tapestry



The Burnhameux Tapestry is shaping up to be the cultural sensation of the year as people in their thousands order tickets to view the masterpiece, which depicts Andy Burnham's historic Northern Conquest.


The tapestry shows how Andy the Conqueror invaded the south of England by train from Manchester Piccadilly and forced Keir Toolmakerson to cede the throne to him.


Several omens foretold Andy's conquest, such as a freak by-election victory for Labour in Makerfield and a decidedly streaky win for England against the footballers of impoverished, war-torn DR Congo.


'It's an amazing story!' gushed BBC Tapestry Editor Chris Mason, amongst a queue of thousands of tapestry buffs queuing for a ticket at the British Museum, 'and it's one which I and my successors will be telling, over and over again for the next thousand years on the television news - so watch out.'


Andy the Conqueror would go on to rule Britain in mediocre fashion for a handful of months before toppling into the financial black hole which Keir Toolmakerson had spitefully dug for him.


England got knocked out in the following round of the World Cup, having been comprehensively outplayed by Mexico's Shambling Chihuahua Puppies XI, and Reform UK won the following general election.   



Image credit: ChatGPT

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