Fast & Furious Grand Theft Auto Top Gear mash-up planned

In what is thought to be a unique media mash-up combining gaming software, Hollywood and low rent BBC programming, a major blockbuster movie is being planned for a Christmas release.

Featuring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson teaming up with Vin Diesel, who has recently converted to full EV and will henceforth be called EVin Not Diesel. It will see the duo hot wiring top end sports cars while Jeremy Clarkson, recently reunited with the BBC, Hammy Hammond and, thanks to a typo in the contracts department, Brian May, critique the cars and the driving, all set to a Queen soundtrack.

The film will be released in cinemas and on Betamax at a date to be determined.

Photo by Alex Suprun on Unsplash

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tirade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony. The heckle was considered particularly offensive due to it happening while two representatives of the jam industry were presenting an award for best use of a non-citrus toast topper in a television drama.

As the jam executives took to the stage, viewers watching the live coverage were to hear cries of 'jam w**kers', emitting from a table nearby where the marmalade-eating Peruvian was known to be seated.

Later, when Paddington made his scheduled appearance on stage himself to present the award for best children's and family entertainment programme, viewers were shocked when he slammed a jar of marmalade onto the podium and declared, 'this is what a breakfast condiment looks like, you f***ers!'

Viewers were later told by host, Alan Cumming, that anyone who has seen Paddington or any of its sequels will know that South American bears have close to no control when talking about, or in the presence of, the citrus fruit preserve, be it raw from the jar or in sandwich form, and that while they apologised for any offence caused, it's equally important that we have a conversation about our relationship with the tangy breakfast favourite made from the juice and peel of oranges. However, several witnesses to the event denied that any such condition existed, and said that the usually timid bear arrived at the ceremony already off his tits on 25 jars of Robinson's Golden Shred.

Image: aitoff - Pixabay

I'm sure BBC Radio was better than BBC Interweb