‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government

‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government.

Following the Queen’s decision to honour the Duke of Edinburgh’s most loyal and trusted aides for doing the job they are paid to do, the Government has decided to make similar awards to everybody in the UK who finds themselves in gainful employment.

Government sources say that now we are no longer bound by repressive EU regulations the UK can finally give a big thank you to everybody who receives a salary or an income as a result of doing the job they are contracted to do. The awards will be across the board (not just the boardroom) and will cover all aspects of work, regardless of rank, reputation or job importance.

People in IT will receive the CVO for turning up for work while ancillary workers will be awarded the LVO for simply doing what they are expected to do. Those employed in the service sector will be made Knight Bachelors and tradesmen in the construction industry will receive the The Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George.

Sports men and women will receive The Most Nobel Order of the Garter while those self employed - such as hairdressers and door supervisors - not currently covered by the proposed honours system will automatically become dames and knights. Even sex workers (both sexes) will be recognised for the valuable contribution they make to society and will become Companions of the Order of the Bath (CB). Drag artists such as Baga Chipz and Sassi Afrika - although already ‘made up’ - will be made up even further with the much coveted Order of Merit.

‘The UK has a long history of giving idiotic awards and puffed-up titles to specially selected people to make them appear superior to the rest of us….but Brexit now means we can go one step further and give these utterly meaningless titles to everybody and make us all sound like complete and utter twats’ said witless Tory MP Piers Knightley-Gordon. ‘The next step is to give everybody an idiotic double-barrelled name just like mine.

Who wouldn’t want their plumber to be called Kevin Bates-Timpson or the girls down at the nail salon to be referred to as The Right Honourable Lady.

'It adds a touch of class'.

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Police Commissioner resigns after beating a confession out of herself

The Metropolitan Police spokesperson confirmed: ‘Dame Cressida oversaw a regime of misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment – but sadly all good things have to come to an end. The Prime Minister would like to put on record his thanks to her, for covering up his record and keeping schtum about Jack the Ripper.

‘Sadly, while in police custody, she is said to have repeatedly fallen down a staircase. No witnesses were on hand to see her do it, but she was later found hanging in her cell, next to a full confession for the murders of JFK, Tupac Shakur and BBC Light Entertainment’.

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UN calls for subjective sports to be phased out of Olympics

The UN has told the International Olympic Committee to phase out all subjective sports by Brisbane 2032. Any sport reliant on the opinion of judges, rather than regulated by objective criteria, is to be binned.

‘There is a real danger with these sports that personal opinion, political bias, or reckless stupidity creeps into decision making,’ explained a janitor for the UN in Geneva. ‘Those not familiar with a specific sport can be completely baffled as to why one competitor is better than another. This can lead to enormous resentment for those who don’t know why their country’s twirl is not as good as another’s flick. You start to see bitterness and resentment leading to unbridled violence. With international tensions as high as they are, we can’t risk a fluffed fakie setting off World War III.’

The IOC has agreed to a phased withdrawal, starting with sports that should be objective but have an unnecessary subjective element, such as ski jumping. ‘From now on, whoever jumps the furthest will win. They can land on their backsides, for all I care, as long as they go long.’

It is not just international sport that will be affected. The BBC has said that it will review its own schedule of domestic competitions, with many fearing that Strictly may be for the chop. However, a spokesman for Eurovision has said that their judging has always been overtly political and has only been responsible for three minor skirmishes and the rise of modern terrorism.

By helenrushworth

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