Ringo Starr disowns Yellow Submarine

The Beatles drummer Ringo Star issued this statement to press this afternoon about the Beatles’ back catalogue, in particular tracks on which he sang lead vocals:

First of all, we don’t want to hurt the French’s feelings after they got all worked up thinking they were going to build, like, a nuclear submarine that’ll keep them in smelly cheese and fags for a thousand years, and then it turned out they weren’t, so that’s one reason not to sing it. Secondly, we reckon the only reason people live in a submarine in the first place, whatever the colour, is to like nuke everyone from underwater so you don’t see 'em coming, which is dead sneaky, so you don’t need submarines, all you need is love.

And while we’re on the subject I’ve changed my mind, I wouldn’t like to live in an Octopus’s Garden, because octopuses are dead intelligent and they don’t need scouser billionaires ruining their environment, like. They can open a screw top jar from inside, which is more than I can, especially Branston Pickle.

In other news singer Peter Noone has revealed that Hermann’s Hermits weren’t hermits at all ‘because they all went down the pub of a Friday’.

image pixabay/BilliTheCat

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The Maytles to play goodbye concert on roof of Downing Street

Press Officers have announced that, prior to visiting the Queen on Wednesday to hand over the Great Seal of Office, Theresa May will take to the roof of Downing Street for one final performance of her greatest hits.

With Philip Hammond on Hammond organ, Alan 'Slow Hand' Duncan on lead Guitar, Charlie 'The Lips' Elphicke on the mouth organ and May on vocals (cough sweets at hand), the Fab Four (going under the band name of The Maytles or The Burning Injustices) will belt out a running order to remember their time in office. The song list goes as follows:

Get Back (To Where You Came From on Your Student Visa) Hey Jew (Don't be Afraid of Being Deselected) Here Comes the Grenfell Tower Enquiry While my Civil Service Gently Weeps Happiness is a Warm Safe Conservative seat in Kent Roll Over Brexit Withdrawal Date Eight Days a Week (Will be the new Holiday Entitlement if Corbyn Gets in) Take Good Care of My Baby Until my Universal Credit Payments are Sorted out When I'm Sixty Four (I Will Still be on a Zero-Hours Contract You've Got to Hide Your Husband's Connection to Off-Shore Funds Away All You Need is Strong and Stable Not a Third Time We Can Work it Out (But Not to the Satisfaction of the ERG) Can't Buy Me a Majority The Wrong and Whining Toad With a Little Help from My Friends in the Brexit Party Baby You're a Rich Man (Assuming Your Father Was) The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Cash You Always Give Me Your Money Norwegian Model (This Bird Has Flown) I Want to Hold Your Assets Sanctioning the Benefits of Mr Kite Dear Fiscal Prudence Draft Agreement Writer She's Leaving (And About Bloody Time Too)

The final concert will also be filmed for posterity by BBC Panorama. Downing Street have warned spectators below to be careful of neck pain when they are looking up at the concert from ground level or when looking up at the size of Boris Johnson's ego when he enters Downing Street the day after. Hat tips: Ugi, Oxbridge, Chipchase

Image: Alexandre Popof/Unsplash

Liverpool stripped of World Heritage status, forced to hand back The Beatles

Unbeknownst to the majority of Liverpudlians, The Beatles were only on loan to the city, on the understanding that they never let Ringo sing. The UN committee said they needed to return the entire Beatles’ back catalogue, but they could keep ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Rather embarrassingly, the city had to explain that they had lost two of the original band and offered a tribute version of Gerry and the Pacemakers in part exchange. In a handover ceremony, the two remaining Beatles will be put back into cryogenic suspension, until the Justin Bieber retires.

A UNESCO spokeswoman clarified: ‘Sadly, Liverpool has abandoned its colourful history – like the slave trade and tobacco warehouses. All the beautiful architectural landmarks – celebrating slave owners – are being removed. It’s a disgrace. They even tore down a priceless statue of a large pile of dead slaves, sponsored by Marlboro Lights’.

Liverpool will no longer have bragging rights to having the best band from the UK, that honour now passes to a skiffle band from Crawley. Said one despondent fan: ‘Without The Beatles how am I going to know that modern music sounds sh$t?’