There is much rejoicing across the American Bible Belt today as the Earth's real age of 6,000 years has been confirmed by its Creator. 'When you're an omnipotent deity, sticking a few funny animal shapes into rocks is no big deal,' says God. 'Anyone who's read the Old Testament will know that I'm a dab hand with special effects. If I parted the Red Sea then I can easily slip a fake jawbone under a few feet of earth."
God will not reveal what other surprises He has in store, but He does hint at a major bombshell on the astronomy front. 'The solar system is not as it seems,' is all He would say for now. 'It's amazing how easily you can play optical illusions with the cosmos when you've designed it yourself. Put it this way, Galileo's work will soon be back on the Index.'
The Natural History Museum has closed for business after apologising for 'misleading the public since 1881'. Its manager has confirmed the premises will be up for sale 'as soon as we've shifted all those so-called dinosaur bones off to a landfill somewhere'. Experts are forecasting widespread job losses in university departments around the country. Richard Dawkins has admitted his professorship at Oxford is finished. 'But never mind,' he says, 'I have my eye on an upcoming vacancy for Archbishop of Canterbury.'
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Recent scholarship has confirmed that whoever wrote the Bible ‘must have been off their tits, or something’.
Doctor Pete Lawton of the University of Padgate has been researching the Bible for twenty years. His PhD thesis “Biblical Exegesis: Is It A Waste of Everybody’s Time?” was less an academic paper than a cry for help.
‘I’ve spent the best years of my life studying this book’, he told journalists. ‘I’ve read it in Greek, in Hebrew, I even learned Aramaic for that bit at the end where Jesus gets really pissed off. All around me the literature and art students were getting laid, getting wasted, going to music festivals. I actually pitied them their shallow lives. Can you believe that?
‘And then it dawned on me: it’s totally batshit crazy. Plague of boils? Frogs? People getting turned into pillars of salt? It’s like Game of Thrones on acid. Might as well study the Tooth Fairy.
‘I went off the rails a bit, got a new hairstyle and tried Psilocybin. That first trip – wow. I could hear the trees murmuring to one another through the earth. I held a conversation with a eucalyptus tree in Australia – they’re all connected, you see – and I felt the warmth of the earth’s embrace for the first time. When I came round I’d crapped myself quite thoroughly, but after a quick shower I went back to the Bible and it suddenly made sense’.
Theologians are divided on whether the Bible was written under the influence of mushrooms or alcohol, but strongly recommend being high before reading the thing.
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