Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do.

His family were initially sceptical given his past failures, but his wife said she was willing to give the marriage one last go, provided he had done what he promised. To which Oliver replied: 'I absolutely have. Now I just need to pop out the front for something completely not connected. Not the bins! I saw, a dog. Yes, a dog. He was chasing a squirrel. And, well, that needs checking on. How do I know whose dog it is? Was obviously he's not not there now. So, don't go spying on me. I'll be back in five minutes, once I've put the dog out.'

There was some confusion given that bin collection fell across the Easter Weekend and whether Jesus would have approved of recycling, on the day he himself was recycled. Biblically speaking there is a fine line between tribute and just taking the piss. When the topic was of Easter was raised with Oliver, sweat beads and a panicked look broke out on his face. 'What do you mean the bin days have changed?!?'

image from pixabay

Richmond, Yorkshire to get extra bin collections in week 27

Residents in Richmond have been told to expect extra bin collections in the week the election is to be held. A member of the council told Newsbiscuit this was not going to put extra strain on council finances as it was being paid for by central government.

Opposition parties and Commie journalists are claiming this is an obvious bribe to take votes away from Labour and the Lib Dems, however our political correspondent has pointed out that Count Binface always stands in the seat occupied by the Prime Minister, so if that bin gets emptied, Sunak may win the few votes he needs that Binface would take from him and be able to cling on.

image from pixabay

Anger as French waste contractors announce plans to introduce annual collection schedule

NewsBiscuit understands that from next year collection of household waste by private contractors will change from fortnightly to annually.

Henri Lanois, CEO of France based waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since ze councils sell off waste disposal to City wide-boys who then sell it to us, our raison d'etre is to make money for our investors. It is privatisation in action, non? Shareholders make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft, c’est la vie, mon ami.

'And even if some previously conquered diseases reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay. Anyway, 'aven't you British got ze antibiotics these days. So... pas de problem.'

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash