Woman suspicious of Greek Chorus following her

Katie Clemson (37) has voiced concern about being stalked by a large collection of masked dancers wearing togas. 'I admit I've made one or two dubious life decisions, but does it really warrant twenty eight stanzas on why I should grow my fringe back?'

The Chorus appeared shortly after Katie had made her New Year's resolutions: 'They'd make all these snide comments about how I'd never finish dry January or fit back into my skinny jeans. They trashed talked my job, my love life, then even tutted everytime I forgot to take out the bins.'

Katie was adamant she had nothing to apologise for and she refused to get drawn into the Chorus' criticism of her choice of curtains. 'Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a mother to murder and a father to marry.'

Image: RobinHiggins | Pixabay

Wind force now to be measured in bin movement

The Beaufort Scale is considered to be outdated, given that any discussion of gales is based on their impact on your garden. The new scale will range from 'George, did you move the bin last night?' to 'Oh my God, Margaret, the recycling is in the neighbour's pond'.

Storms will only be confirmed if your patio furniture has been upended. A moderate breeze will be indicated by how many crisp packets are stuck in your hedge, whereas hurricanes will be replaced with 'Where the f$ck is the garden gnome?'.

One scientist confirmed: 'The Met Office will only be giving accurate weather warnings once a week, given that the bins just go out on a Thursday.'

UN peacekeepers determine whose turn it is ‘to put out the bins'

A General remarked: ‘We’re here to navigate the difficult path from conflict to peace, and to decide whether it’s this week that the garden waste bin goes out. Marital lines have been crossed, with both homeowners blaming the other for atrocities, such as trying to sneak pizza boxes in with the recycling.

‘We’ve seen examples of war crimes, with bin bags not being tied up and someone leaving week-old prawns uncovered. Neighbours have taken collateral damage, with unattended polystyrene packaging blowing up and down the cul-de-sac. We’ve even had reports of flowerbed border incursions and what looks to be a child’s mattress dumped on a lawn.

‘You’re going to see a lot of blue helmets on the ground – which will probably be filled with old tea bags’.

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