The old English tradition of Mandy Thursday

Mandy Thursday, also known as the Festival of St. Peter, has been celebrated in England since 1985, when Peter Mandelson was first appointed to a government post.  That’s right – over 40 years ago!  Mandy comes from the Latin word mandatum, meaning give me all your money.

The Holy day is usually celebrated in London by the distribution of Mandy Money.  Originally, Mandy Money was given out as special coins by the monarch, but more recently Mandy Money has been handed out as special payments by the government.  Over the years Mandy Money has been given out for many things, taken many forms, including bonuses, pay rises, redundancy payments, travel costs, promotions, bonuses, severance payments, expenses, and so forth.  In similar fashion, the amount of Mandy Money was originally to be determined by the monarch, but the current arrangements are that the recipient determines the amount for himself.  On the most important occasions Mandy Money is handed over in a ceremonial brown paper envelope.

In recent years the Mandy Money tradition has fallen into disrepute because of negative associations with the convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein.

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Oil drilled months ago suddenly got expensive

Molecules of oil sucked out of the ground last November, shipped over the Christmas weeks and converted into various grades of petroleum, diesel, aviation fuel, heating oil, tar and various other grades, all stored and paid for several weeks ago have suddenly become very expensive molecules of oil. The fuel in your car petrol tank and your heating oil storage tank, paid for at the pump or via your heating oil supplier won't be hit for additional cost because the industry hasn't worked out how to do that.  Yet.

An oil industry expert pointed out that the war started by the United States and Israel three weeks ago that has tied up twenty percent of oil capacity for the last three weeks is to blame because, well, oil industries that typically make billions of dollars profit a quarter probably won't make all those profits next quarter.  Well, not without raising the prices of oil molecules that have already been drilled, shipped, converted and paid for long before the war.

'There are bonuses at risk here,' pointed out an oil industry executive.  

Prices are not expected to drop until long after the current crisis is over.  Because future bonuses are also at risk.

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Crumbling sewer system danger to fleeing robbers

The utility companies responsible for Britain’s waste water infrastructure have today acknowledged the system can no longer be considered safe and have issued advice to vagabonds escaping capture to hightail it above ground instead.

Recent surveys by hi-viz people with tripods noticed that masonry falling onto their hard hats could possess a danger to villains without hard hats making a quick, albeit foul-smelling, getaway, knocking them unconscious and exacerbating the problem of clogging.

Utility accountants believe the extra manpower involved to unplug chancer stiffs from key intersections could raise domestic bills by two hundred percent over the next decade and twice as much before. Loftier economists predict the irretrievable loss of stolen valuables from such incidents would have a devastating effect on the UK’s post-Brexit deregulated economy.

Defective structural integrity within a main sewer recently forced the closure of London’s trendiest gin bar: a hollowed-out fatberg below Covent Garden, called ‘Rubber Johnny’s’.

The bar’s owner, who had spent three years carving out the interior of a solid block of fat the size of a single-decker bus, was reportedly devastated as he’d suffered four near-death asphyxiations, endured a Heimlich manoeuvre to remove a disposable nappy from his windpipe, and lost valuable custom.

Although sightings are yet to be confirmed visually; workers with university degrees spreading blueprints out on a table believe rats the size of furry crocodiles, and crocodiles the size of four-legged whales, are the main perpetrators of brickwork damage. To a lesser extent; decades of underfunding leading a failure to maintain routine wear and tear.

The government has promised substantial nodding to claims for financial support, but believe the monumental task of renovation of public sewers remains the remit of water companies. Comment from the water companies was asked, but none received, as they are currently enjoying their Christmas parties in Las Vegas.

Photo by Martin Brechtl on Unsplash