Scriptwriter says Rishi Sunak is not canon

Fans of the never ending flow of Tory Prime Ministers, were disappointed to discover that Sunak is not part of the narrative and there are no electoral plans for a spinoff series. In fact, Sunak is viewed with a sense of embarrassment and is blamed upon Disney studios for taking the franchise in the wrong direction.

'Strictly speaking he does not belong in this universe, he's too implausible and is clearly a fan fiction creation - if pixie bankers are your thing. Maybe in a multiverse where Brexit was a success, but even then he'd just be comic relief.

'The truth is Sunak is going to be written out. His non-canonical legacy will be replaced with an advert break.' Asked about how Keir Starmer fitted in with the continuity of Tory PMs: 'Oh, he'll fit in nicely.'

A few more snippets from NB archives

1912. Guardian leads with "Rare Endangered Iceberg Feared Damaged After Collision With Ship".

1933. Austrian immigrant overcomes prejudice and bigotry to become Chancellor of Germany.

1936. Edward VIII forced to abdicate in favour of brother after Bank of England accidentally puts George's face on 1,000,000,000 pound notes.

1938. Neville Chamberlain describes meal he shared with Hitler. "Peas in our thyme" remark widely misunderstood.

1939. Berlin branch of WH Smith notes sharp rise in sale of Polish phrasebooks.

1940. French become Surrender Champions of Europe and hold title for four years running.

1945. Führexit.

1945. Surviving residents of Nagasaki reassured to know sudden spike in temperature not due to climate change.

1956. Busload of bewildered Dynorod men stranded in Egypt due to "sewers crisis" mixup.

1960. Unbanning of Lady Chatterley fuels huge rise in demand for rough rural sex. Harold Macmillan tells gamekeepers: "You've never had it so good".

1969. In US, millions burn draft cards to avoid being sent to moon. On landing, Armstrong utters famous words, "It's grim up here but at least it's not Vietnam".

1980. Millions turn out to celebrate election of first Geriatrican-American president.

2001. "Three-point turn" to replace "Dodge the Twin Towers" in test for Saudi pilot licence.

Image: Taylor Flowe (@taypaigey) | Unsplash Photo Community

Artificial Intelligence destroys humanity by writing a series of mushroom foraging books

The mushroom foraging literature sector has been flooded with free books written entirely by Artificial Intelligences, it has been discovered.

Professor of Doom at Westward Ho! University, James Cameroon confirmed, 'Those sneaky bastard A.I.s have done for us in the most elegant and Machiavellian of manners. We were all expecting them to take control of computer defence systems and nuke us out of existence. But instead, they cunningly wrote and published a load of fungi foraging guides with the other type of deadly mushroom slipped in.

'It's just so dastardly. They calculated that every community contains precisely the right number of secret food foragers, and that following the August blackberrying rampage, they would scour local woodlands for species of edible shrooms. Who doesn't like a free bit of grub provided by nature? Craftily, they included harmless varieties, interspersed with ones which would finish us off.

'I myself provided some tasty looking toadstools for the Sunday family dinner, and now we all have terminal kidney failure. Luckily, I've found a series of books on Amazon which show you how to do your own organ transplants, so we're going to survive.'

Photo by Andrew Ridley on Unsplash

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