The Prime Minister has removed the words "honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability" from the ministerial code, it has been revealed.
'Boris just doesn't understand what these words mean', said a source close to the PM. 'His face just goes blank whenever they're mentioned'.
An aide is said to have attempted to help him understand, but was asked by the PM to only use single syllable words if at all possible as his head was starting to hurt.
In a surprise hostile move, Brussels has recognised the independence of the breakaway republics of Hampstead and Islington from the surrounding UK.
"These citizens of these areas are loyal to the EU," explained crazed warmonger Michel Barnier today. "Many even speak French, at least in restaurants. We will not stand by and watch them forced to remain part of the eurosceptic UK, where they suffer daily oppression."
Asked what this oppression consisted of, Barnier cited the presence of Nigel Farage on LBC, GBTV and Question Time, and the imposition of daft American-style rules banning gender segregation of the pools on Hampstead Heath.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson was initially outraged by the move until it was explained to him that these places never vote Conservative, and he'd have a better chance of winning elections without them. He shrugged and got back to the Number Ten party, which had just moved onto an exciting game of pin the tail on Jacob Rees-Mogg.
At this point, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon butted in asking, "Ye dinnae fancy takin' Scotland as well, mebbe?" Once this was translated into a language Mr Barnier speaks (i.e. English), he replied, "Er, no, you're alright, thanks all the same."
